Starting Over
by CTTFICFAN
Summary: This is a combined effort of three writers to give a fresh spin on how the series could have started, progressed. It's totally AU, will follow canon's overall theme, but differences are made to make the story work, including dates and ages of characters. It starts immediately before the first episode, What if RC and KB knew each other before the Launch Party?
1. Chapter 1

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**A/N Kate has seen the Kyra/Rick story for the first three years she has attended Stanford. Couple of the year if there was such a thing, but now, Senior year, she saw Rick, but Kyra was nowhere to be found she somehow left him hanging. She had to find out what happened, maybe there was hope for her yet.**

**A/N 2 All are the same age, RC, KB, KB, and all have attended the same classes throughout the first three years**

**A****/N 3 Kyra has followed canon and left Rick at Times Square under the clock rather than return to Stanford end of year 3, she has landed the opportunity of a lifetime in Paris, (Sheila Blaine would do anything to break her up with the scholarship kid, behind her daughters back.)**

**Introduction**

**Please note this is a combined effort of three writers, trying to offer a fresh look at how events or even the series could have been presented. We started with how they met, decided to give them a back story and as the notes above point out all three of the first characters introduced are the same age. We will follow canon to the OVERALL direction but reserve the right to deviate to make our story sensible and achievable. **

**We'll start by introducing the back story, use parts of the very first, or pilot episode Flowers for Her Grave, then dig deeper into the personal story of how Rick Castle and Katherine Beckett eventually became Caskett. The length is unknown at this time, but we ask for your patience, we plan on updating twice weekly. We will COMPLETE this story, and not leave it as a work in progress.**

**Our initial idea was to take over stories that had been deserted, for more than three years and attempt to write a new story based on the original author's work. Our first attempt was posted and we were asked to remove the story by the original author, which we complied with immediately, after posting the first chapter. We received many messages about wanting the story to continue, so we offer this. IF you know of a good Castle Fan Fic that the author truly has deserted, would be willing to allow us to write a new story using some of their original work while crediting them for the same, please PM us. We will NOT start any stories without the writer's permission.**

**It should not be needed to say, but we welcome constructive criticism, even respectful differences of opinion, but any review with hurtful language, or spewing derogatory remarks about the writers or other readers will be deleted and banned if possible. Please remember we are doing this to keep the Fandom alive, offering the chance to clean up so many stories that were started and for various reasons left hanging. **

**We take joy in our writing, perhaps it's not the best, then again, we don't have agents or publishers, we have real jobs and do this for the love of the show, and our attempt to bring some joy to at least a few readers.**

**Thanks in advance, we look forward to hearing from you all, remember the only way we know if anyone is still out there, or still cares is through a like, follow or possibly a review,**

**Thank You,**

**CTTFICFAN, Dreamwriter 08, Castlefan 6 & Pen to Paper Writer.  
**

**Chp 1**

**Stanford University**

**August 12****th ****Senior**** Year**

**Senior Lounge, Main Campus**

Rick felt like he had forgotten something, he constantly checked to ensure he had his phone, keys, and no matter what he did, he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off.

"Hey Rick, how's it going where's your other half today?" Kenny Willis yelled over from a few tables away.

That was it, this was the first day since early the first year, he had been single, Kyra and he were always together.

"What can I say Kenny, things change. I'm back to just me again" he laughed, but inside his heart was breaking into a million pieces. It's a wonder that he didn't break down at the table.

"Well stay away from my girl, once she finds out you're free I won't stand a chance if you give her a second look" Kenny begged,

"I don't date friends' girls or women who are spoken for buddy, so no worries" he smiled.

He had always held the same standard, if a girl was taken, even if he knew someone was working up the nerve to ask her out, he always stayed away from that girl.** The Guy Code,** his buddy from boarding school had told him, break it and the consequences would be severe.

**Flashback June 6****th**

**New York **

His mind drifted back to what, had it been two months now, the night that Kyra called and asked him to come over, that she needed to talk to him that night. He had been so excited, thinking finally he wouldn't be alone that he and Kyra would formalize their relationship and live as they say in children's books happily ever after.

When he got to her home, he knew something was wrong, she had been crying, but there was a suitcase, a rather large suitcase (a steamer trunk would have been a better description) that meant wherever the owner was going they would be gone for more than a few weeks.

"What's going on Kyra, why the suitcase?"

"Rick, this is going to be hard, but,"

"What's going to be hard, this isn't making sense, whose suitcase is that?"

"It's Kyra's Rick" Sheila Blaine, her mother and number one fan in the I hate you Rick fan club said stepping out of the shadows.

"What do you mean it's Kyra's, school doesn't resume for another two months" either he didn't want to believe what he was seeing or perhaps he thought if he denied it long enough reality would change.

"Tell him, Kyra, then do what you have to do, we have a plane to catch tonight," Sheila said with venom in her voice as she looked towards Rick

"Rick, come on, I need to talk to you, and this isn't the place" as she took his hand and led him out of the house to a waiting cab.

"Times Square Garden Area please Kyra instructed the driver and Rick held her hand in shock and disbelief. He had girlfriends dump him before, but in those cases, they both knew it was coming and it hadn't involved the girl's mother. Usually, the mothers still loved him long after the daughters had moved on, but whatever he did Shelia had a hatred for him that would not go away.

Rick was silent as he watched the city blocks go whizzing by, just like his plans for his life. Kyra was sniffling, obviously not on board with the idea, but convinced enough to end a three-year relationship.

"Rick I..."

"Save it till we're alone, it's embarrassing enough for your mother to know our business, but let's not let a cab driver in on the details, please spare my dignity that much if you will?" He asked a little roughly.

When they reached the clock, it was almost fitting that the hand was striking an hour marker, almost like it was sealing the doom on the relationship of Rick and Kyra.

"Rick, I don't want to do this, but the opportunity I was offered is just too great to pass up, tell me you understand?"

"What I understand Kyra is that your mother has worked out some arrangement to ship you off to God knows where, ending us, and accomplishing what she has tried to do for the last three years.

When I asked you about your views on marriage you quoted almost word for word your mother's description that it was archaic and outdated, today's woman didn't need any man. Is that how you feel, Kyra, now that we're alone you can answer it honestly and please do" Rick said, not in anger, but more in shock

"I believe the same way Rick, I mean I love you, but why should I have to sacrifice my dreams, my wishes, my opportunities, to be in a relationship, if it's right, it will be here when I get back from Paris."

"You're going to Paris, and you think our relationship is going to withstand you on one continent, and me on the another? How long will you be gone?"

"18 months minimum, if I am successful, they will want me to sign a five-year contract," Kyra said weakly

"Eighteen months to five years is like a prison sentence Kyra, and I never asked you to sacrifice anything, I said we could live OUR dreams together, you supporting me and I doing the same for yours. Where did this idea you have to give up something to be with me come from, oh let me guess your mother"

"Rick, don't be that way, my mother did make a lot of valid points, but this is my decision, this is my life, and what I want, if you love me, you'll be here for me when I get back"

"IF I LOVE YOU? Then what Kyra, we start dating again, for how long before I earn the blessing of your mother, you know what, if my love for you and yours for me isn't strong enough to keep you here after all we've been through, then I guess your mom was right, go on, go to Paris and I wish you all the luck in the world."

"Kyra, I won't be here if and when you come back, I won't play second string to a job, career, or another man. I have to revise that and now add my girlfriends' mother as well."

"Rick, I asked you please to leave her out of this, this is my decision, and mine alone"

"OK, Kyra do you love me enough to stay or does your heart tell you to go seek your new life in Paris?"

Kyra starts to cry, then dabs her eye, and gets out, "I'm sorry Rick, I have to go,"

"Goodbye Kyra, I hope you find what you're looking for, who your mom is looking for as your mate, God knows I tried,"

He turned and walked away briskly as the clock was chiming the half-hour to most, to Rick it was marking the end of life as he knew it. He never saw the shadow step out and comfort Kyra, and say, "I told you Kyra, all he's interested in is himself, you're better off in Paris, so come on, let's get you on with your life" as Sheila Blaine hugged her daughter on the way to the car, the airport and out of Rick Rodgers life.

**August 14****th**

**Stanford University**

Kate didn't plan it, honestly but she wound up in three of Rick's classes including Advanced Literature. Quantitative Analysis, and Operations Management. Rick was a genius when it came to QA or Quantitative Analysis, and he was good at Ops Management, as well. The only weak subject he had some trouble with, surprisingly was literature, and as Kate soon learned it wasn't because he didn't understand the subject, he was bored during the lectures.

He didn't talk much outside of class, although he was popular with just about everyone. Many of the more endowed co-eds had tried to seduce him, only to be embarrassed when their efforts fell short. Kate had heard more than one girl complain that she had just about sprawled in front of the man nude and no response.

Kate was in the library working on her research paper for Lit class when he walked in and to her surprise, asked

"Hi Kate, is this seat taken?"

"No Rick, it's single as a pringle, that is unless you want to sit down. I'm sorry about you and your friend, I know you've been getting a lot of grief from my sorority sisters about going out, but take your time, it's rough"

"Thanks, but I doubt you ever got dumped, not as beautiful and kind as you are" Rick replied and Kate blushed,

"Rick, everyone get's dumped, it's part of life, and yes I did, so I won't mention Kyra if you don't mention Brad Decker, I still have nightmares over him."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, I am in no shape to be evaluating anyone else's relationships, not after spending three years to have her choose her mother over me, that spells loser with a capital L."

"Hey, you're not a loser as you say, if you were you wouldn't have half the female class members making a play for you. I got hurt bad, not only by him, but by someone I trusted as my best friend, so I'm staying out of the game till I get my head back on straight."

"Does that mean we can be friends, without worrying about dating, you know what I mean, well at least I hope you do. A lot of times things start as friends then one or the other wants more and it gets ugly. I don't want that to happen, so I'm just saying I think you are beautiful Kate Beckett, and IF my heart were in the right spot, I would be romancing the hell out of you." He laughed

"I like that Rick, and yes that's what it means if you find someone you want more from just tell me and I'll get lost, I hope your heart heals fast since you have so many possible matches here."

"Don't sell yourself short Kate, you have a lot to offer a man as well, remember what we covered in biology the last term," he laughed as Kate's mind drifted back to the day Professor Schantz made it a topic to remember, women's breasts were an extension of the glands found under the armpit. His quote was "Gentlemen, I have no idea why you are infatuated with women's breasts, you could suck her armpit and biologically receive the same chemicals. That was the day that many men became Leg Men and decided it didn't matter on the size of the bosom.

She laughed, long and hard, that was the first day they almost got kicked out of the library, many more would follow. Kate and Rick were friends, nothing more, but when guys asked his secret to Miss Freezer, Rick would beat the hell out of them. Soon the message was known, don't say anything about the Odd Couple, just let them be, whatever they had worked for them although they shared many hamburgers, shakes, and fries, nothing ever progressed with either of them.

**Fast Forward **

**November 16****th**

**Stanford University**

The excitement was in the air, three more days and they would have a nice long break off for Thanksgiving and Christmas.

"Rick, I wish you would change your mind, I talked to my parents and they are fine with you coming home with me for the break, come on, you don't want to spend the holidays all alone do you?"

"Kate, you and your family are sweet to invite me, but 8 years of boarding schools, I got used to spending holidays alone. This is your time to catch up with your family, you don't need a stranger getting in the way."

"HEY, you're not a stranger, you're my, well don't get mad but I tell everyone you're my best friend."

"WHY would I get mad, I tell everyone the same about you. When they say the wrong things then I convince them to not insult you, we're best friends and will always be"

"I saw the increase of broken bones coming from your dorm, then one of my sorority sisters told me you defended my honor and beat the hell out of half the football team, Rick that was sweet, but please don't get yourself in trouble." Kate pleaded

"I won't, you only have to bust a few heads then the rest fall in line and act like gentlemen" he laughed,

"Well are you going to see me off, I leave tonight?" she asked casually, secretly hoping he would

"Of course, I had planned on it, what time is your flight, 5:45 PM? I'll be there at three to give us time to get to the airport without the traffic being so horrific. OK?"

"That would be great Rick, I'll see you in a bit" she's off with that sway in her hips and such a cute figure, maybe next semester his heart would be back to where his hormones are now, he thought.

**A few Hours Later**

The goodbye was affecting both Kate and Rick much worse than they thought, perhaps because they both secretly knew there was a hell of a lot more than friendship going on.

"Call me when you land to let me know you got there OK?" He walked her as far as he could and since she checked the bag, her arm was free to wrap around him as they walked. He seemed surprised, but his arm was around her just as tight in a second.

"Rick don't forget it will be late when I get in, I don't want to disturb you,"

"KATE Call me, please?" He wouldn't relent

"OK, I will and Rick, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, here is your present, since I won't be here to give it to you that day." She smiled up at him, never noticing as he slipped a package into her purse,

"Thanks, Kate, you shouldn't have, but thank you," the flight was called again,

"Rick, I have to go, God, I wish you were going with me"

Just as she finished the words, she felt his lips with a warm sweet kiss, not the embarrassing kind but a hell of a lot more than the way you kiss your sister.

"I'm, eh"

She put a finger to his lips and this time she kissed him the same way.

"I'll see you in a few weeks, I miss you already," she said as she pulled away and walked swiftly down the boarding gate,

Rick couldn't see her, but she watched the figure in the window grow smaller and smaller, and her heart starts to ache with each look, then she noticed the package in her purse.

The card read, "Merry Christmas Kate, I won't be there so I hope these keep you warm, and thoughts of me in your heart" she opened the box to find the leather gloves she had mentioned in passing that would be nice, that man, her best friend, her, who knew what the future would bring for them as she closed her eyes to sleep on the long flight home.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 2**

**New York**

**January 3rd**

**LeCerc Restaurant**

The past 5 weeks had been hell for Kate, she had talked to Rick at least once each day, on the holidays it had been more like 4 or 5 times, and both had missed the other more than they ever knew or thought they could. She had deferred going to any party so that she could be awake, and sober to call Rick at midnight PST and wish him a Happy New Year.

Kate had reassured Rick, it would only be one more day, they were having their family dinner and she was returning to Stanford the next day. They even arranged for Rick to pick her up at the airport, something both were counting the hours till they would finally see each other again.

"Kate, call me when you take off so I know you made the flight, and then I can count down the hours till I can see you again, OK?" Rick asked

"Of course, dad and I are getting ready to head to the restaurant and Mom is going to meet us, she had to go into her office for an hour or so, I'll call you soon I promise, and Rick…. I _**REALLY**_ missed you." She whispered,

"I'll be here waiting, and Kate, I really missed you too."

**Beckett Residence**

**January 10th**

**7:45 PM**

Kate was walking around the home in denial, almost in shock, and her dad had fought long and hard to hold his emotions in. There was so much to do to plan a funeral, who would have thought. God, every time she said or thought the word funeral, it all came rushing back to her and validated the fact her mother had been murdered, and would never be coming home again. She functioned almost in a cloud the entire time, finally, it was time for the service and closure? Bullshit, there would never be closure till she found the son of a bitch who did this and put him in the ground.

**Three Days Later, **

**January 13****th**

**Holy Cross Cemetery**

**New York, **

Kate and Jim had been on autopilot for the last three days, making countless decisions about the songs at the funeral down to the dress, it was all too much and Kate finally broke down at the reception being held at their house after the trip to the cemetery.

"Katie, Let's get the hell out of here, I don't know about you but I don't think mom would want these people acting so friendly now, when she was alive, they would barely speak to her. If I stay, I know I'm going to say something awful."

She took her Dad's arm, grabbed their winter coats and headed out the front door.

"Dad, where did you and Mom go on your first official date?" she asked,

Jim, silently looked at his daughter, then sadly smiled, "the same place we're going now". Two hours later they were walking on the beach at Coney Island, and finishing up stick man, from the remnants of driftwood they found on the shore.

"Your Mom was a champion for causes like the environment, so by us recycling these materials into a stick man, it would make her happy," he said sadly.

Kate just walked with him, arm in arm down the beach, wondering how her life had gone to hell so fast. She had turned her phone off, refusing to answer any calls, for fear of breaking down.

"Yeah, mom would say something like, "_even on the worst days there is a possibility of joy_", and you know what dad, she would make us all believe it."

They spent the entire afternoon there, then went back to the cemetery, just the two of them and had some quiet time there, the snow had stopped, and the wind had died down, allowing them to visit a little longer than they planned. When they returned home the home was cleaned, all of the dishes done, and food put away, and a nice note from the neighbors telling them, they understood, and they were here for them.

**Two Hours Later**

Kate took her phone off charge, and opened it to see 85 missed calls and 67 texts from Rick, just as she was about to open the last text the phone rang in her hand,

"Hello", she barely got out

"Kate, Thank God I've been so worried that something happened to you, why didn't you answer any of my voice mails or texts, I am worried sick here"

"Rick, I need to say something so please don't interrupt me, promise, if you do, I'll never get it out and I need to tell you what happened. OK? Promise?"

"I promise Kate, this sounds serious."

"Rick, please." He was silent as she described the last few days starting with waiting in the restaurant for her Mom, and coming home to find NYPD Detectives to inform them she had been murdered, planning the funeral, trying to stay strong, sneaking away to cry alone, then coming back to check on her father, and finally today and the service and their trip to Coney Island. She got through it with only tears in her voice

"Oh My God Kate, babe if you would have called, I would have been on the next flight back home, you shouldn't have to had to go through all that alone, I'm so sorry,"

"I know you would but Rick, I don't want you to give up your life for me, it wouldn't be fair, and now you have a few months till graduation, I'm sorry but I just can't leave here now. I know it's stupid, but dad and I go to her grave every day and I talk to her."

"I don't think it's stupid at all Kate, I can catch a plane and be there tomorrow- "

"**NO, I need to be alone for a while**, I think it's best if you just move on with your life and let me try to pick up the pieces of mine here in New York."

"KATE, you can't mean that you're my, well, eh, we have, I mean we're best friends, I can't let you go through this alone,"

"You're not letting me go through this alone, you're honoring my request that I can't be around you now Rick, I can't be around anyone. It's almost like walls are surrounding my heart, my soul, and my feelings, and I know you deserve so much more than I'll ever be able to give you, at least for a long time if ever.

The gloves were lovely, thank you, I will never forget just how special I always felt, how free I was when I was with you. I felt protected, safe, but Rick, those days are long gone, and I won't lead you on as Kyra did, I can't. I never said it, you didn't either but we didn't have to, I know I was loved by you, and believe me I love you will all my heart. If I didn't this wouldn't be so damn hard.

Rick, you deserve someone who can love you as much as you love, such a huge heart, and now I'm not that person, at least for now and I don't know how long it will be, so forgive me, but this is Goodbye"

"No Kate, no I understand I'll back off. I won't press you. Take as much time as you need, just don't say goodbye, it makes it sound so final, and you're right, I do love you, far more than I ever loved anyone before. PLEASE let me stay a part of your life, I can't say goodbye now, I just can't"

Kate's tears are in her eyes, as she fought to keep them in,

"Rick, we both know that I'm not what you will need, you have a future, I am so confused, so lost, I couldn't bring you into this mess, so I have to let you go. The only plans I have now involve finding who killed my mom, and babe that's not fair to you.

Even though throughout the time we've been best friends, you always gave me my way, this time you have to move on. This is killing me, please don't make me beg you, but it's the best thing for us both, I know it's hard to understand but you will someday, babe I downloaded a song for you to play from our iTunes account when we hang up, so please, please know I love you, I probably always will, but now, with all things going on love just isn't enough."

There is silence on the other end of the phone until Kate composed herself and asked,

"Rick, are you still there?"

"Yes, I just can't hang up, I can't face the fact that I won't see you every day. Can I call you when I get home Kate?"

"No Rick, I don't think that would be wise for either of us, I don't think I would have the strength to say goodbye twice, this is best for you. Babe, please know that no matter what happens, you own a piece of my heart that will be yours for as long as you want it.

I'm sorry, I know this hurt you, but I know it's better to end it now, the longer we let it lie, the more it will hurt us both later. It's not because I stopped loving you, it's because I DO love you so damn much that your happiness means more to me than anything, please know that. I know you won't so I have to, so I'll say goodbye for the two of us, goodbye Rick, I wish you all the love you deserve" as the line went dead, Rick broke down into tears, Kate cried for hours, for her mom, for Rick, and finally for herself.

Rick looked around, glad he was in his apartment, alone when the conversation ended. It was ironic, Kate was the one who picked the place out, he had secretly hoped he could convince her on moving in once they graduated. He was going to pursue his masters and she was going on to law school, well that had been the plan till his world just shattered.

He picked up the remote, accessed the shared account and saw there was a new download, not thinking he hit play, and then sat back, unable to control his tears. Kate had picked the perfect song, well in lyrics, by Expose, I'll Say Goodbye for the Two of Us.

When you wake up  
And find me gone tomorrow  
Don't think I meant to hurt you  
I just did what we knew I had to do  
Oh, and all the time we knew  
The time was never right for us  
Time to leave this love behind  
I could never leave you  
Baby, if I see you cry

I'll say good-bye for the two of us  
Tonight while you're asleep  
I'll kiss you softly one last time  
And say good-bye like I know we must  
There's just no other way  
And I couldn't bear to see your heartbreak  
So, I'll wait 'til you're asleep to say good-bye  
Please realize  
How hard it is to do this

I'm trying to make it through this,  
Say good-bye just as gently as I can  
Please try and understand  
This time's just not the time for us  
We knew I couldn't stay  
But that don't make it easier to leave you  
So while I can find the strength  
I'll say good-bye for the two of us  
Tonight while you're asleep

Rick sat on the couch and played the song on loop for hours. First Kyra, now Kate, it seemed like his heart would just heal and start to love again when something would crush it once again. Once it sank in that Kate was gone and not coming back, he opened the present she had given him, he had wanted to wait to give her a present to open when he opened his, but those plans were dead.

As he unwrapped the carefully wrapped package, careful to save anything that had her handwriting on it, including the gift card, that read, _**"Rick, I hope you write your best seller with this pen but know you'll always be my favorite author, Always, Kate**_."

He made his way to the small office, pulled out his laptop, and searched through some USB sticks in his desk till he found it. The book he had started when Kyra left him, A Rose Forever After, it would take some editing, but he was about 80% done, so he began again to use his talent to try to ease the heart that he knew was still beating, but in some ways he wished would stop. The all too familiar pain was back, this time although his time with Kate had been short, the pain seemed so much deeper.

**Fast Forward 5 Months**

**Stanford University**

**California**

**Graduation Day, June 5****th**

Rick had done almost anything and everything to stop thinking about her. He worked out, he ran for miles, he worked on his book, anything they hadn't done together, and for once he took his studies seriously and graduated in the top percentage of his class. He played piano for a local club and had gained a pretty loyal following. The tips were great, more than enough to keep him from having to work a regular job.

He had been planned to skip the formal cap and gown ceremony, there was no one in the audience for him, so why bother, but he received a surprise call from his mother. She was visiting and bringing a friend, and as she said "I've waited for years for this day Richard, please don't cheat me out of it"

Dramatic as always but anyone who knew him, was aware of just how close he was to his mother. He knew that wherever she was sitting he would be able to hear her, and as he walked across the stage to receive his diploma, she didn't disappoint. He found her shortly after the ceremony,

"Mother, why didn't you let me know you arrived, we could have had lunch or just visited," Rick asked,

"Oh darling, I would have, but we just arrived this morning, and we have a flight to Toronto tonight for the next performance, you know how tough show business can be" she whined.

Rick hugged her, and then stood back as a short stocky lady stepped forward, "Rick, you won't remember me but"

"You were my baby sitter Betty, I remember you, you made the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." as he hugged the lady. "It's great to see you again Betty."

"Can we go to lunch mother, or do you have other plans?"

"Darling I would love to, but Betty and I are meeting with the director of a play that will be starting soon, next time, I promise"

"Sure mom, no problem" he had grown used to her normal response, so it didn't bother him. He loved his mother, but she had a strange sense of how a mother was supposed to act, more like a big sister than an authority figure.

"Well we're off darling, I'm so proud of you, I know it was hard you paying your way, but I'm sure as soon as you quit playing at writing books, you'll find a good job, call me darling" and off she went, just as she appeared.

Rick had no idea, but 3,000 miles away, a text was delivered with a short WMV file of him walking across the stage, his handshake, and a great close up of his face, to one Kate Beckett. She had pleaded with her sorority sister Lanie Parish to send it to her, and now looking at him, seeing his face just brought back all of the hurt she felt and knew she had caused him.

The response came back in a moment. "He looks good Lanie, thanks."

A moment later a response was received by Kate, "Well don't let looks fool you, the man is hurting, he misses you, and he's lost without you"

One word ended the text string, Kate replied, "STOP" as she thought to herself, he's better off without me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 3**

**Fast Forward 6 months  
****NYPD Police Academy  
****January 13****th**

It wasn't lost on Kate the irony of the date; she was graduating from the Police Academy exactly one year from the day she buried her mother. It had been a tough year, her Dad had lost himself in the bottle, she had endured several trips to the hospital, and even jail, finally she put her foot down and drove him to rehab, with the ultimatum,

"Dad, you get clean, or get yourself another daughter, I can't take this anymore. Every day I worry about you, are you lying dead in a gutter, injured somewhere, I just can't do it anymore."

"Katie, I'm sorry, sorry for causing you so much pain sorry that whoever killed Mom didn't just kill me with her, they took my life away, so what's the use?"

"What's the use? You ask me why you should go on living? Don't I matter Dad, I used to be your everything, but now, you would trade me for a bottle of Jack and never think twice. You get clean or I mean it, you're dead to me. I'm sorry Daddy, I love you, but this is killing me slowly, and I just can't lose another person I love."

"OK Katie, I understand, and you aren't just my daughter, you're still my everything so I will try Katie, just tell me if I stumble, you'll still be here."

"Dad, let's plan on no stumbles, now I have to go, it's my first day on the force, Dad as much as it hurts me, I am as serious as a bullet to the head, this is it" she kissed the man looking 10 years older than he was as she helped him into the center, then turned and walked away, hiding her tears.

Her first day on the force was one she would always remember, just as they broke formation, she was looking at the bulletin board to find her TO, (Training Officer) when a man walked up to her,

"You Beckett?" he asked,

She looked around at the gruff voice to see a man in his late 40's with a smile on his face,

"Sir, yes sir, Katherine Beckett"

"Relax kid, I'm not gonna bust your chops like the other training officers, I just want you to learn how to stay safe out here, it may mean the difference between either you or me going home at the end of the shift, Understand?"

"Sir, yes sir"

"Oh, and cut the sir crap, I'm Mike Royce, call me Mike, and I'm betting no one calls you Katherine but your family, what do you want to be called?"

"Kate, my friends call me Kate, Mike"

"Well can I call you Kate, kid?"

"I'd like that Mike, Thank you"

"Kate, let's get something straight, I have to be able to trust you with my life, as you do with me, so if I get rough on you sometimes it's not because I want to see you cry, or hurt your feelings, I want you to go home to your family at night."

"I don't have a family Mike, my mom was murdered one year ago, my dad took it hard, lost himself in the bottle, I just drove him to rehab, so I'm pretty much on my own."

"I'm sorry to hear about your mom, cold case I bet, which is your motivation to join the force I bet, well let me tell you, you're a long way from having the skill set to do that. I'll help you get there if that's your motivation, but kid, take time to live sometimes, OK?"

"Thanks, Mike, I need to get her justice, even if it takes me the rest of my life. They left her like a pile of garbage in an alley, I can't live with that."

"Like I said I'll help you, BUT you follow orders you understand?"

"Yes sir, I understand I have a lot to learn, and I really appreciate you not treating me like most of my friends are getting from their TO, so Thank You."

The bond between Mike and Kate had been formed and for the next six months, Kate learned how to be a cop, a real cop, not just shuffle the forms. If she were honest with herself, she found herself attracted to Mike, and she found out too late that the feelings were only on her side. He may love her, but not in the same way he did his wife, dying of cancer in a hospice, Mike was faithful till the end. When Marie died, Kate knew part of Mike died along with her, and he would never love anyone like he did his wife. It was at that moment her thoughts turned to the only man she had completely loved, Rick Rogers.

She had followed him from a distance, and knew he had a book published, A Rose for Ever After, and moved to Los Angeles to be near the happening scene. He changed his name to Rick Castle and was quite the party animal if you could believe the tabloids. She thought for sure she saw him in the Java Hut near the precinct, but she discounted it as wishful thinking.

The article she cut out, read, reread until the ink was almost off of it, was his wedding, he had done what she asked. He found someone new, why the hell did it bother her so much, that's what she wanted for him, wasn't it? As tears ran down her face every time, she touched the paper.

A few months later, Mike called her aside, told her the Detectives exam was coming up and he wanted her to take it. It was the next step to her long-term goal for finding justice for her mom, but he warned her, don't mention it or she wouldn't even get to sit for the exam.

She buried herself in her studies, and like usual, she finished number one on the exam. Royce put a good word in for her at the twelfth, Roy Montgomery's precinct, and she had two face to face interviews, then met the Captain. Mike knew she had made it, but made her suffer, the entire week, she tried everything to get the info out of her partner, but failed.

It was bittersweet when she was told she was now Detective Kate Beckett and would report to Homicide Division, 12th precinct on Monday morning. Mike took her to lunch to celebrate, not only her promotion, but her dad had received his 6-month sober chip and was included in the lunch. Things were still strained between them, but getting better. Mike chose that time to break the news to her,

"Kid, I wanted to let you know I put in my papers, I'm calling it a career when you move over to the 12th"

"No Mike, you can't there's so much more you haven't taught me yet, please don't do this"

"Sorry Kid, when I buried Marie, I buried half of me with her, I think I would have packed it in then if we weren't together. You're still in love with your writer when are you going to do something about that?" That was Mike the shortest distance, yep just come out and say it.

She blushed, "Mike, how did you know about that? "

"How many times did we stop and pick up his latest book or the magazine with the article about Rick, Kate, if he's your love, don't wait, this job will eat you alive if you let it."

"Well, he's married now, and has a baby, besides he's in LA, and I'm here."

"You better sharpen your detective skills Kid, he's divorced has been almost 4 months and he moved to New York as soon as the divorce was final, he bought that big loft down on Broome Street, maybe the entire building in Soho, you know the one near the Java Hut we stop at all the time."

"Mike? Were you trying to set me up with Rick, seriously? Do I look like a desperate old maid to you?"

"Kid, you love Rick Rogers/Castle, or whatever the hell his name is now, that's fact one, you are lonely and have been since I met you and don't argue, I know lonely, I live it every day. Finally, he's here, whatever it was that tore you apart before, it can be fixed now trust me on this."

A tear falls from her eye, "I wish I could Mike, but it can't, let's get out of here, I have work to do. Dad, I'm proud of you, we're still on for brunch Sunday, aren't we?"

"Of course, Katie, wouldn't miss it for the world," Jim replied, more grateful than ever that Mike had come to see him, and told him what was going on. He gave him strength when Mike showed him his 15-year chip, that was a goal he had set next. Sober forever.

**Monday  
****October 12****th  
****Los Angeles, Ca.**

Rick's world was turned upside down immediately after he graduated. He had started to date a beautiful red-headed actress he met at the club he was playing, they seemed to get along fabulously and the sex, God the sex was the best he had ever had. Immediately following the publication of his first book, Meredith broke the news she was pregnant.

A very small quiet ceremony was held and 7 months later Alexis Castle was born with the same bright red hair her mother had. Rick struggled with the next book, being rejected by almost every west coast publisher there was, and to make matters even worse, one day he came home early to hear, then see his wife auditioning for the next role, naked and in the midst of an orgasm, he threw the director out of their door and then his clothes after him.

**Thursday  
****October 5****th  
****One Year Later**

Rather than being contrite and guilty about what she had been caught doing Meredith became angry at Rick,

"You bastard, you just ruined three months of ass-kissing to get the part, we were just about to seal the deal when you ruined it"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean, you seriously can't believe it's proper to fuck a director for a part, do you?"

Alexis's wails could be heard over their screaming match, as Rick headed toward her crib to see what has his pumpkin as he nicknamed her so upset about.

"That's right Rick, it's part of the job, so get over it, it's only sex, you seriously don't think you are the only man I'm fucking, do you? Yeah, go-ahead run to your child, that's all you wanted anyway, you know what? You can have her, just leave me alone and let's see who has the biggest success in five years, your sappy novels aren't going to do it.

Rick and Alexis left the house, with a few clothes jammed into a suitcase, her holding on to her favorite stuffed animal monkey bunky and headed to the airport. Rick was praying his credit card would go through, and not be declined as he purchased the ticket to New York. He had $110 dollars and some change to his name with his credit card now maxed out. He called Martha and at least they had a place to stay until he could figure out more long-term arrangements.

Meredith had filed for divorce by the time he arrived in New York, and the terms where she kept the house and he got zero of the equity in it, and the bills would be his responsibility as she would forfeit her right to any future earnings, custody to Alexis, and he forfeit any future claim against her. Rick's lawyer told him not to sign, but he did anyway, he wanted it over with.

Two weeks later the divorce was final and Rick was trying to figure out how to pay off $40,000 of credit card debt. He had only known of two, apparently, Meredith had two additional accounts she used for her exclusive use, without bothering to tell her husband they existed.

As he sat, in his mother's small one-bedroom apartment, holding his head, wondering what the hell could he do, his cell phone rang, he answered

"Rick Castle"

"Good Morning, is this Rick Castle who has submitted the manuscript for a book to Black Pawn Publishing?"

"Perhaps, it depends on who's asking?" Rick replied,

"Oh, excuse me, I'm Gina Cowell, managing editor at Black Pawn, and I just reviewed a manuscript by an author with your name and phone number. I'm interested in meeting with you as soon as possible to discuss going forward with the book, or series, when are you available to meet with me?"

"Well, let me check my calendar Rick bluffed, can you hold a moment?"

"Sure Rick, I have an opening on Thursday at 9:00 AM, if that would work for you."

Rick counted to twenty, then counted to ten, then went back to the phone,

"You said Wednesday, Ms. Cowell?" He bluffed,

"No, Thursday, Rick, and please call me Gina,"

"Good, I'm tied up Wednesday but Thursday works for me,"

"Great Rick, I'll text you the details and bring your agent if you're serious about getting published."

"Of course, and thanks Gina, I'll see you on Thursday"

He immediately called his lawyer and told him about the call.

"Ricky, who did you talk to over there?" Howard Linder his attorney asked

"Gina Cowell, she said she's the managing editor"

"Well buddy, you struck gold, she never calls anyone unless it's to close a deal, She's the managing editor, but she's also the favorite granddaughter of the founder, so she rules the place."

"She said to bring my agent if I was serious. The only problem, he's Gina's I just used him and he's in LA."

"Ricky, I have someone, you will have to keep her reigned in since you're easy-going, but she knows her job and the market, her name is Paula Haas. I can get her to call you if that works"

"Have her call me Howard; I can't show up without an agent."

Three hours later, Rick fully understood what Howard meant by keeping Paula in check, but the lady knew the market and clients.

"Remember Ricky, outside of the pleasantries let me do the talking, that's what you're paying me for, OK?"

"Deal, so I'll see you on Thursday at 8:00 AM and then we'll go to Black Pawn together Thanks Paula, he stuck out his hand to shake, he was shocked when her lips crashed his, event threw in a considerable amount of tongue, As I said, Ricky", I get to know my clients as she winked and was gone.

**Thursday 9:00 AM  
****Black Pawn Publishing  
****New York, NY**

Rick and Paula arrived ten minutes early, soon enough to show courtesy, not too soon to show desperation as Paula put it.

It was apparent that Paula was a great negotiator, and also that this was not her first meeting with Gina, the ladies were professional but it was apparent there was no love lost between them.

Paula produced samples of the next two novels Rick had already completed in the Storm series, just enough to tease Gina into wanting to read more, and after an intense negotiating session Rick had a 5-book deal, with an advance of $300,000 for the first three books. Even after Paula's share, he still had plenty of money to at least pay off his credit card debt, lease to own a great apartment for him and his little girl and get back to work.

Paula had made it clear; this was a low-ball figure and had clauses in the contract for pay increases for certain milestones, number of copies sold, and the pinnacle, Best Sellers List would increase the initial advance to over a million dollars for each book on the Times Best Seller list.

Paula was very open as to what she wanted, but Rick thought twice about mixing business with pleasure, and to be honest, he had already begun his search for the only girl he truly loved, one Kate Beckett. Initial results weren't promising, it seemed she had her records blocked for some reason, and no money would get someone to violate a security clearance to divulge her personal information.

For now, he was happy, he had his own place, his pumpkin, debt-free and no more ties to Meredith. He would continue to write and look, New York was big, but he was determined to find her someway, somehow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 4**

**10 years, 3 Months Later  
****Monday,  
****November 3****rd**

Rick could hardly believe his good fortune, Paula had negotiated a sweetheart of a deal, all five of the Storm novels had hit the bestseller list, and Gina was almost ready to release the last in the series, meaning his royalties had a 40% increase because of the milestones that she had negotiated. Paula had made a good buck off of him, but he never begrudged her a penny. Without her expertise, he would still be wondering how the hell would he pay off Meredith, instead of being the millionaire that he had become. Several successful novels plus some shrewd investing had converted a few hundred thousand to start into quite the portfolio.

**Flashback 6 years prior...**

It hadn't slipped past the piranha of his ex-wife that he was having success, she tried unsuccessfully three times to renegotiate her settlement, the last time the female judge looked her up and down and said,

"Ms. Harper, do you realize how fortunate you are, your former husband paid off your house so you wouldn't have to sell your body or live on the streets of Los Angles. He paid you three times what he was required to do, so if you bring one more action in this court, I will make you sorry you were ever born.

You are wasting my time, and causing my calendar to backup with legitimate cases. I am holding you in contempt of court, sentencing you to 120 days in jail and a fine of $10,000. It is all to be suspended if you return to California and not bring any further actions in this matter. If I see your name on the docket that is placed in front of me, I will issue a bench warrant for your arrest and impose the sentence, Are we clear?"

Meredith left in a huff, calling him a son of a bitch and other choice words, but he kept his composure. It was then that the judge told her to stop and return to the plaintiff's side of the courtroom.

"Ms. Harper, I will not tolerate that kind of language in my courtroom. Consider yourself in contempt of court. All penalties and fines are now imposed. Enjoy your stay here Ms. Harper." The judge slams her gavel on the desk and calls the next case. Uniformed officers place her in handcuffs and lead her away to the holding cells.

Gina had appeared in court to explain to the judge that Black Pawn was the payer of the checks, that Rick had authorized, knowing fully he had gone above the requirements of the settlement. But instead got the show of her life.

"Wow, Rick tell me you weren't sober when you married that one" Gina commented, then

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, but she's a piece of work."

"It's OK, Gina, she wasn't always that bad, or perhaps I was just so desperate for love I put it up with it."

"Rick, I can't even imagine you being desperate, you get looks from those with fake ID's up to those closer to Social Security than they are to their drinks in their hands" She smiled as Rick started to laugh.

"Oh Gina, if you only knew, the playboy that everyone thinks I am is a homebody, just looking for someone to enjoy the simple things in life." He said shyly

"What's wrong with that, you'd be surprised how many women would love to share that with you, two that I know of without even looking" she blushed slightly,

"Two?" he asked, sincerely

"Rick, you know Paula is one, but look at me, I'm not sure what people told you about me, but really what I want more in life than anything is to find a sweet man, and settle down with kids. Not all women want to be Hollywood actresses, so keep that in mind. You have my private cell if you ever get lonely for a movie night in, no promises, no commitments, just two adults enjoying each other's company together."

"Gina, I eh, I mean, I" Rick fumbled

"Gee Rick, I've never heard of you speechless before, I know your heart was broken and Meredith got you on the rebound, I don't know who she was in real life, but I sure as hell do in your books. No man can put that much passion, or heartache in his writing unless he's writing from experience. It's just something for you to think about," she raised up on her heels and kissed him sweetly on the lips, "Take care of yourself, I'm very fond of you, I'll see you tonight at the party" then turned grabbed her cell phone and was gone.

**Present Day **

That was how it started, two years later they were married in a huge ceremony, at first it was great, tons of sex with a hotwife, and common interests, he loved her, and she loved him, BUT not enough to allow her the keys to his most prized and protected possession, his daughter.

After 4 years and constant fights, the divorce was settled, but they still worked together, she the editor, he the writer. Each day was an adventure for both, to say that Alexis now age 15 and was more mature than either on most days would be an accurate assessment.

Rick had somehow lost the touch, or so it appeared, writer's block was one thing, but he had lost the will to even try. He and Gina feuded long and hard over his decision to kill the main character in the Storm novels, after 8 books, a decision she disagreed with vehemently.

Rick's point of view was that he had more money than he or Alexis would need their lifetimes, and it was time to do something fun, find a character he could live vicariously through IF he even wrote another line. Gina's strong work ethic, of course, clashed with the new plans of her ex-husband, all the way up till the time of the last launch party.

**Beckett's Apartment  
****Monday, November 3****rd  
****4:27 PM**

Kate Beckett was enjoying her day off, sure she was on call, but so far, she had been fortunate and the killers of New York had agreed with her than she was in dire need of some downtime. She had managed to actually shop for groceries a feat within itself, after performing an exorcism of whatever remained in her refrigerator, and stocked her cupboards with the essentials.

This was a task she always hated since it reminded her of how Rick Rodgers had made it so much fun in college, hell Rick made everything fun as she let herself slip into memory land for a moment. Shaking herself back to reality, her bath was now drawn, she gathered her glass of wine, and her favorite book, of course, it was one of his, she could read between the lines and know which parts Rick had written for her, his love, then the loss and despondent character he had become.

She thought back to the time everything was perfect, her parents were in love, still after almost 40 years of marriage, and even though the word had never been said between them, they both knew, they were in love as well. Then the day her world came crashing down, and by default, Rick's did as well, she quickly moved on from that day.

The wine had begun to relax her and it felt good for a long soak in a hot tub, showers were great but nothing beat a good long soak in a hot bath, to relax and restore her energy. She glanced at her toes and realized she had been in the water long enough for the prune god of skin to come visiting, so she reluctantly stood, toweled off and slipped into an old comfortable pair of sweat pants.

She completed her outfit with an oversized sweatshirt, STANFORD on the front, it was the one she had stolen from Rick, so long ago. All these years later, it still made her feel loved, just as he had. Quickly brushing her hair and styling it into a bun on top of her head she went back to the living room to resume her book.

She had read perhaps two more paragraphs when the sound she dreaded rang out in full force. She reached for her cell phone knowing that no matter how bad she hated the sound, to someone else their world would be forever changed.

"Beckett" she snapped,

"OK, text me the address, I'll be there in twenty minutes"

She quickly changed into more acceptable business clothes, grabbed her badge and gun from the safe, collected her keys and phone and was out the door all in less than five minutes.

She arrived at a rather upscale apartment building, now marked off with yellow police tape, she shuddered every time she saw that reliving the night, she and her dad came home to find their home filled with police detectives, only to tell her that her mom had been murdered.

She nodded to a few uniformed officers as she flashed her badge and took the elevator to the top floor,

_**(FOLLOWING COURTESY OF DUST JACKETS DOT COM, NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED)**_

KATHERINE (KATE) BECKETT  
Who are you?

JAVIER ESPOSITO  
Alison Tisdale. 24. Grad student at NYU, part of the social work program.

BECKETT  
Nice place for a social worker.

RYAN  
Daddy's money.

ESPOSITO  
Neighbors called to complain about the music - when she didn't answer they had the super check on...

BECKETT  
No signs of struggle. He knew her.

LANIE PARISH  
He even bought her flowers. Who says romance is dead?

BECKETT  
I do, every Saturday night.

LANIE  
Well, lipstick wouldn't hurt. _(off Beckett's look)_ I'm just sayin'...

BECKETT  
So what did he give her besides roses?

LANIE  
Two shots to the chest. Small caliber.

BECKETT  
Does this look familiar to anyone?

ESPOSITO  
No, but I'm not the one with a thing for freaky ones. Just give me a Jack shot Jill over Bill so I can get my collar and go home.

BECKETT  
Oh, but the freaky ones require more. They reveal more. Look at how he left her: covered modestly.

RYAN  
So?

BECKETT  
So, despite all of the effort, all of the preparation, you won't find any evidence of sexual abuse.

ESPOSITO  
You really get that from just this?

BECKETT  
This. Plus, I've seen this before.

ESPOSITO  
You've seen it before. Where?

BECKETT  
Roses on her body? Sunflowers on her eyes? Don't you guys read?!

"Well if you guys would venture past the Swim Suit edition of Sports Illustrated, or the daily Sports section of the paper you would know this scene is staged from a mystery writer, located right here in New York"

Lanie shot her a look like, what, are you really going there now,

"In fact, he's having a book launch party to mark the last of his series of books with Derrick Storm, does that ring any bells with either of you two?" She asked almost insulted they could be so uninformed.

"Kate can I see you for a second," Lanie asked, Kate, held one finger up, and Lanie got louder, "I said Detective Beckett, can I see you right NOW?"

Kate looked a little frazzled but immediately walked towards a quiet corner where Lanie had retreated to.

"What's so important Lanie?"

"You tell me, Kate, I know you know who Rick Castle is, seeing you have every article printed about, and every work he has published, are you forgetting who sent you the tape of him graduating?" Why now Kate? God, what has it been almost 18 years since you two broke up? Is this because Will dumped you last year? You think Rick is going to take you back after all this time?"

"Lanie, it's not like that, but Rick might be able to help us with this case, I'm not sure yet, but I think this is connected to another murder,"

"Yeah, it's not a convenient excuse for you to show up in his life again Kate? Check yourself, Kate, once you open that door, there's no going back."

Ryan who was the more computer savvy of the two partners, (Esposito liked to rely on Braun and intimidation), had been on his phone, "Hey Beckett, is the author Richard Castle, there's a book launch party about 10 blocks from here"

"Good job Kevin, yes, that's the author, why don't you and Javi go pick him up, just tell him he's needed to answer some questions about an ongoing murder investigation. If he wants to lawyer up, tell him he is being detained and can contact his attorney from the precinct, I'll meet you back there in twenty minutes"

"I sure as hell hope you know what you are doing Kate Beckett" Lanie mouthed behind her only loud enough for Kate to hear.

**NYPD 12****th**** Precinct  
****10:39 PM  
****Monday, November 3****rd**

Kate had pulled the information form the case she thought, and she smiled knowing they were now connected. Marvin Fisk had been murdered a week before and staged as if it were out of Hell Hath No Fury, not a best seller, but still one of Rick's published works.

When she returned to the homicide floor, she saw the boys chatting and arguing at their desks.

"Well did you get him to come?" She asked,

"Yeah, we did Kate, he's in interrogation room 2, but you should have seen the layout this guy put out. Just a heads up the Commissioner and Mayor were in attendance, and now have and interest in why we're picking up writer boy for this case." Esposito said with a little disdain in his voice,

"Javi, let's get something straight, I'm the lead detective, I'm NOT your girlfriend, your sister, or related to you in any way. So stop pulling this damsel in distress routine with me, I can hold my own, you understand?"

"I don't know where that's coming from Kate, I'm just trying"

"Trying to defend my honor, look Will left, I know you hated his guts, but get over it, what I do, with who is none of your business. I will give you the heads up, I knew Mr. Castle a long time ago, and if you pull your macho routine, he will break you into pieces.

While I go in and talk to our guest, google Brad Decker Stanford and then look at the pictures. Castle, took him apart, and he was a 4th degree Black Belt and a macho man on campus, so think twice before you try to intimidate him, understand?"

"Understood" he mumbled and walked back to his desk,

"While you guys wait, look into this guy and find a connection with our Vic, as she thrust two files on each of them"

She tried to hide the tremble of the folder in her own hand, stood before the door and took a deep breath, and walked into what she knew was going to bring hurt to her and him all over again, but the case needed to be solved.

The door opened and as she walked in, she watched his eyes, first doubt then, what was it anger, disgust, no hurt, it was hurt as she watched his blue eyes turn a totally different hue of blue, he took a breath and just said,

"Kate?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 5**

**PREVIOUSLY**

_The door opened and as she walked in, she watched his eyes, first doubt then, what was it anger, disgust, no hurt, it was hurt as she watched his blue eyes turn a totally different hue of blue, he took a breath and just said,_

"_**Kate?"**_

_*************************************************************************/**_

"Hi Rick, I know this is a shock to you, but I can explain everything, just not here, not now."

"I thought I was brought here to discuss an active homicide case, where's Twiddle Dee and Twiddle Dumb? He replied a tone of disgust and hurt in his voice.

"You are here for the investigation of not one but two murders, and Rick, please, help me solve the case and I promise I will tell you everything that has happened since that night, please?" You see, Detectives Esposito and Ryan, well I'm the lead homicide detective for this squad and they are my team." Kate wouldn't look at him, knowing the old hurt was billowing up in his chest.

"Do I have a choice? I mean I'm pulled from a launch party by two detectives who spent more time ogling the servers than they did in asking me any questions, so yeah, you owe me at least an explanation of just what the hell happened. I remember kissing you goodbye, I didn't know it would be for over 16 years Kate, you said you would be back in two more days."

"Rick, Please, this case first, then we talk, please?" She pleaded

"Whatever, it doesn't matter now anyway. How can I help you so I can get the hell out of here and back to my life?" He asked, anger clearly in his voice now.

"Do you know this woman?" Kate asked as she slid a picture of Allison Tisdale in front of him,

He picked it up, looked for a few seconds, then took a deep breath, "No, not that I can recall. I see a lot of women at book signings, she may have been to one of them but I can't be sure." he replied.

"So, you don't remember signing her chest?" Kate knew it was wrong the moment she said it, but she wanted to let him know she hadn't forgotten.

"I'm pretty sure signing ladies chest with a sharpie is not the COD,(Cause of Death) he spewed, anyway what the hell do you care anyway, you went on with your life without another thought of me, of what we, eh, I thought we were working towards." The hurt was clear now, he was angry and hurt.

"That's not correct Rick," she said quietly

"What part? The COD or you going on without giving me a second thought?" he barked,

"The second part, but like I said let's stick to the case first, then I promise you, we'll catch up." She tried to defuse the tone,

"Somethings never change, your terms, your timeline, oh what the hell do you want Detective?" the anger grows

"Ms. Tisdale was murdered tonight." she got out as she was trying to put up her shields, God this was much harder than she ever expected, and now he hated her.

"I was at a book launch, remember, signing books and other things? How do I fit into this?" he asked

She slid the photo from the crime scene over to him, "Does this look familiar Rick?" she said softly.

"Son of a Bitch, Flowers for Her Grave, I never ever pictured it in my mind, much less thought I would see a crime scene photo, it was just too gruesome." He said silently, almost in shock

"What about this picture Rick, what do you see in it?" as she slid the picture of Marvin Fisk from his crime scene,

"Hell, hath no" Fury. She joined in his last word. "Come on Detective, that book sold maybe 200,000 copies, only real hard-core Castle groupies read it. How do you know about it?" he replied, wondering now, did Kate Beckett read his books, or was it part of her job as a Detective.

"How do you think I made the connection Rick; we've got some loose cannon out there copying your methods of murder from your books, except real people are dying. Yes, I read the book, my mom left me her book collection, and you just happen to be her favorite author, not mine hers." She felt bad for throwing that last jab in, he hadn't left her, only done what she asked him to do.

"Well Detective, I'm still not sure how I can help you, what do want from me?" completely professional now,

"I thought if we could check out your fan mail, perhaps "the perp would send me a letter bragging about what he did," Rick finished her statement.

"I'll have it sent over tomorrow **AFTER** I make peace with my publisher and ex-wife for walking out in the middle of a book launch party. It was boring anyway, but still, I wasn't even afforded the opportunity to tell anyone other than Alexis, my daughter, what was going on before the short detective got all macho." Rick was not pleased with Esposito. Kate thought back to the day he put Brad Decker in the hospital, just because he had broken her heart by cheating on her with Maddison Queller.

"I thought perhaps you could bring it, Rick, no one knows your fans like you, is there a reason you don't want to return tomorrow?" Kate asked, hoping beyond hopes he wouldn't say it,

"Detective, I think we're done here. Call my attorney if you need anything further, or my publicist should you need corroborating evidence for my whereabouts during your window of time for the murder, but I warn you, she already hates you. Tread lightly detective, things change in 16 years, that's what you wanted so that's what you got." As he stood to leave, she had one more chance,

"Rick, I was serious about explaining everything, but"

"I know, I know the case comes first, you know Detective, it's not important anymore, I got my answer I always asked myself. Did she remember and or does she still care, guess you shouldn't ask the questions if you don't want the truthful answers, Goodbye Detective?"

Just as he was standing the door burst open and Esposito barges in. "Beckett, we got another one, looks like it's been staged from one of writer boys books from what the early intel has." He said.

"**Javi, this is Mr. Castle or Richard Castle**, you ever refer to him with that derogatory name again, I'll give him permission to kick your ass, you got that?" Kate was pissed,

Javi was reeling from the admonishment from Kate, she seldom ever said anything but this time she lowered the boom and in front of the witness.

"Yes Boss, I got it. I don't think he could, but he'd be welcome to try any time, any place."

"Careful what you wish for wise-ass, just have your will up to date before we step into a ring, cage or alley, your choice." Rick came back,

Kate shot Esposito a look to vacate the premise if he knew what was good for him. "Rick, I know I don't have the right to ask, but could you ride with me to the crime scene? Maybe you could see something that I might miss. Please?" She was pleading and this was something Kate Beckett never did, well the Kate he knew years ago never did.

Rick looked at her, then he made the cardinal sin, he locked on her eyes, God those eyes hadn't changed and when she shot him that look, he could never refuse her anything.

"This case Beckett, that's it, then we'll see where we go, that is if you have time," Rick said in a voice that let her know he wasn't happy to be with her, at least not now.

The ride to the crime scene was silent, well from Rick. Kate tried to engage in conversation only to get one-word answers if any.

"Javi isn't a bad guy Rick, he's just trying to protect me, that's all. Before you ask NO, NEVER, he's like a brother, just looking after me like his sister"

"In your eyes Detective, in your eyes." Rick returned, with no emotion whatsoever.

"Seriously, he didn't mean anything by his attitude, or talk, that's just Javi" she tried to defuse what she knew would someday be an explosion between the two.

"Let me guess, Ex-Military, probably special forces in a low-level position where he got a lot of respect by the uniform and beret he wore, do him and me a favor Kate, call off the dogs.

I'm older than the last time I saw you, but still have the same zero-tolerance for assholes, especially one that tries to muscle me to make himself look big."

"I'll talk to him Rick, just let it go in one ear and out please?" she said,

Her response was a stare from Rick, that told her all she needed to know, her pleas for peace were as about as useful as a penny for a payphone.

They pulled up to the scene, another high rise in a good part of town and proceeded to the pool area, now taped off with the yellow police tape.

Kate walked directly to the body as Rick surveyed the area, pool entrances, and the layout, under his breath he muttered so only Kate could hear, "God Damn it, Death of a Prom Queen".

"What do we have Lanie?" Kate asked as was her usual routine,

"Ms. Kendra Pitney, a resident of the building, maintenance came in about an hour ago to do their chemical checks, and found her floating, they called 9-1-1, and here we are."

Rick looked at the body, then said to no one in particular, "Lack of blood around the wound, no foaming of the mouth, she didn't die here, she was killed and staged to look like my book"

Esposito is standing nearby and said, "like a freakin writer knows anything about a crime scene."

Lanie turned to him and set him straight, "Actually hotshot, he's spot on, so save your opinions to Madden Football league" with a look that pierced and pissed him off even more,

She turned and looked at Rick, finally figuring out where she had seen him before, "Hey aren't you Rick Rogers from Stanford, I'm Lanie Parrish, actually Dr. Parrish now." she bubbled out, shooting Kate an eye of you go girl,

"I wasn't sure if it was you, still beautiful as ever Lanie, and yeah, I used to be Rick Rogers, now I'm Rick Castle, the writer"

"Shut the front door, no way!" Lanie exclaimed,

"Afraid so Lanie, it's me. Good to see you again, just not in these circumstances,"

"Rick, I should have known it was you, you have a real gift when it comes to the details of death, I love your books. So, what are you doing with Detective Beckett, dressed in a tux, at a crime scene?" Same old Lanie, just come out and ask what she wanted to know.

"Talk to the Detective about that," as he rose and walked around the body, then he pulled out a small notebook and made some notes.

"Rick, you can't use any of this in your book, it's an open and active crime scene," Kate said as gently as she could,

"Seriously? You think I changed enough to become that insensitive to the victim, the family, you really never knew me at all I guess." Like he was hurt she would even think that he would be that insensitive.

"I never meant that at all. It's just my job Rick. I have to maintain the integrity of the crime scene." she answered weakly,

"Who do you think you are talking to detective? The last time I remember, it was you asking me to come to assist you. It seems like you, and boy wonder over there have it all figured out, so you don't need my help at all."

"I'm not saying that Rick, just that I have to preserve all the evidence, now that there appears to be three, we're dealing with a serial killer, no sense looking for motive now." She tried to wiggle out of the hole she had dug, but it only got deeper when he replied,

"Then you need to read the book again Detective, the roses are the wrong variety, the dress is the wrong color, so this is staged to make it look like a serial killer. One of these victims has a close connection with your killer, you need to figure out that link, then you'll find your killer."

"Just what we need, Nancy Drew coming down telling real cops how to solve a murder. Where does he come off with that crap Kate?"

"Javi, I warned you. Back Off! I don't need your crap, not now." She spewed angrily.

Rick shot him a look, almost an invitation to take the first swing,

"Detective, I told you twice, the next time, I won't say anything so if he's your friend and you want to keep him walking, tighten his leash or he's gonna get hurt." A town car pulled up just as he finished speaking, and a driver got out and held the door open for him,

"You'll get my mail, tomorrow detective." Was all he said as he drove away from the crime scene, the rear window going up.

Lannie walked over to her and said quietly, "You want to talk about it?"

Kate shook her head no, fighting back the tears, she knew she had hurt Rick badly, but she always justified it by convincing herself that he would want her to be happy and she couldn't be happy until her Mom received justice. She had just witnessed how deeply he hurt, even 16 years later, but she had a case to solve now. Then it would be time to talk, he would understand, but for the first time, she wondered, would he?

Rick watched as he knew that she was on the verge of tears. He could see it in her eyes. After the window raised up, he sat back in his seat and thought about what transpired tonight. Did he really want to get involved with her again after she left him the way she did all those years ago? His heart is telling him to go but his brain sees the logical part of the meeting. It can only end with his heartbroken one more time. He had a lot of thinking to do and he's not too sure if he will return tomorrow to the precinct.

By the time he gets back to the loft everything is dark and the only light he sees on is the one that hangs over the stove. He closes the door and locks it up. He walks over to his bar and pulls out a bottle of Glenfiddich. He pulls out a glass takes 4 ice cubes out from the mini-refrigerator and then cracks open the bottle. He pours more than his usual 2 fingers knowing that the alcohol might just ease the pain.

He thinks back to the last time they were together at Stanford. He can't get over the fact that she had taken a totally different path in life. And that's one of his biggest issues now. He doesn't want to help her but with some psycho murderer aping his books he really doesn't have much of a choice. What he wants now is to have things the way they were in the past but he knows that will never happen. He quickly throws back the last of the Glenfiddich savoring the burn down his throat and tosses the glass in the sink and he knows sleep will not come easy for him tonight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 6**

**PREVIOUSLY**

"_Just what we need, Nancy Drew coming down telling real cops how to solve a murder. Where does he come off with that crap Kate?"_

"_Javi, I warned you. Back Off! I don't need your crap, not now." she spewed angrily._

_Rick shot him a look, almost an invitation to take the first swing._

"_Detective, I told you twice, the next time, I won't say anything so if he's your friend and you want to keep him walking, tighten his leash or he's gonna get hurt". A town car pulled up just as he finished speaking, and a driver got out and held the door open for him,_

"_You'll get the mail tomorrow Detective," was all he said as he drove away from the crime scene._

***************************************************************************************/

**NYPD 12****th**** Precinct  
****6:19 AM  
****Wednesday, November 5****th**

It had been almost 8 hours since she had watched Rick and his limo drive away, after a conversation a long time coming, but nothing like she had hoped for. She went home last evening, feeling as raw as she did the night, she said good-bye. She even kept the damn song on a CD she had downloaded to their joint iTunes account back then.

**The previous Evening,  
****Beckett's Apartment**

She had made the mistake of pulling out the Christmas card, gloves, airline ticket stub, and the letter he had written her, once she had ended things before they ever got started, the hurt was worse than she ever had felt then and now. Her heart broke and the tears stung just as they had the night 16 tears ago, she never stopped loving him, nor would she ever.

His letter was a promise to give her the space she needed, to support, to be her rock, all he wanted was to be part of her life and begged her not to end it, to keep him close, and when he had ended it with a song of his own, in their account, I won't give up by Jason Marz,

When I look into your eyes  
It's like watching the night sky  
Or a beautiful sunrise  
So much they hold  
And just like them old stars  
I see that you've come so far  
To be right where you are  
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us  
Even if the skies get rough  
I'm giving you all my love  
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space  
To do some navigating  
I'll be here patiently waiting  
To see what you find

Cos even the stars they burn  
Some even fall to the earth  
We got a lot to learn  
God knows we're worth it  
No, I won't give up

**I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily  
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make  
**Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use  
the tools and gifts we've got yeah we got a lot at stake

**And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend  
for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn  
**We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in  
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not and who I am

He had highlighted the verses, almost a plea for her to reconsider and let him continue to be part of her life. She made the decision that night, that she needed to break it clean for his sake, more than hers. She changed her phone number and moved in with her Aunt Martha while she waited for the academy to accept her. The house was sold in less than 6 weeks, and Katherine Beckett was now free to pursue her life, **part two.**

She read, cried, and tried to sleep, knowing full well that sleep wouldn't come. She finally got out of bed and went for her morning run, except this time she ran towards Rick's loft, rather than away from it. Yes, she had done all the searches, and she had followed him from afar, his marriage to Meredith, Alexis Birth, didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why that marriage occurred, then his first divorce and move to New York, his success, and eventual romance with Gina Cowell.

The marriage to Meredith made her cry, his marriage to Gina almost crippled her, so close, yet he had no idea she was there and still so very much in love with him. She had been a fool, and now she had blown any chance of any reconnection she had. If she were honest, it was the rebound effect that even caused her to take up with Will Sorensen. She was tired of being lonely, and it was apparent that Rick was finding happiness, so even if it wasn't utopia, she wasn't as lonely.

**Present Time**

She buried herself in the paperwork, trying to draw as Rick said, what connected the victim, or victims to a potential killer. As hard as she looked, there was nothing. The elevator dinged, she looked up at the clock and it was now 7:57 AM, Esposito arriving as he always did, right on time, if not a few minutes late.

She returned to her paperwork till she felt a presence standing by her desk, she looked up to see Javi. "Kate, I think we need to talk," he said, not in his normal tone.

"Agreed Javi. Conference room in 5 minutes, on and don't bring Ryan, this is something we need to work out between us." As she turned to the lady's room.

After a nature break and a badly needed refill of her caffeine she was prepared to face the onslaught coming from one of her team members, she entered the conference room preparing for a difficult conversation.

"Kate, I really want to know what the hell is going on? I mean you busted me twice in front of the suspect you named, what the hell gives?"

"First off Javi, he never was a suspect, secondly, your attitude had been brought to my attention over the last few weeks as getting more and more like a soldier, not a cop. I have to tell you Javi, I appreciate your concern for me, but my personal life is just that PERSONAL."

"What I do, and who I do it with is none of your business. You tried this bullshit when I was with Will, and now you are posturing like a rooster, in a flock with only one chicken. LOSE it, Esposito, not that it's any of your business, but I knew Mr. Castle from earlier in my life, and trust me, he will take you apart before you know what's coming."

"Google Brad Decker, and look at the pictures. Then you'll see what he did to a 4th degree Black Belt, so back off, and if you're smart you'll lose the attitude with Castle. I have asked him to bring his fan mail in for us to try to bust this ring of murders, so when he visits, I expect nothing but professionalism from you, if you can't do that, then go home now."

Javi's mouth flew open when he learned of Kate knowing Rick earlier, and he really was at a loss.

"You can't be serious, I've had your back since I joined and now a pretty face comes along,"

"If you're smart Esposito you'll remember who you work for, and keep your opinions to yourself, No one said anything about not having my back. I just said, lose the macho crap it's wearing thin to a lot of people, and if you pull it on the wrong person you will be getting a chance to test out our new hospitalization policy." Kate said, without humor, she was serious.

"You really think he's that tough Kate?" Esposito was either too proud or too stupid to understand what had been said,

"Look at the pictures Espo, then you tell me, but if you two ever got into a scrap, I'd bet the house on Rick, and in less than 5 minutes. Get over your wounded pride and go do your job, one more incident and I'll have to write you up, you got it?"

"Yeah. I got it, Boss." He steamed as he left the conference room.

Kate couldn't lose the fact that Rick had hit on the only viable option, the three killings were too mechanical, details had been close but not exact, so a copycat killer was not necessary the MO, and if someone were copying the murders they would go to extreme lengths to get every detail correct.

She had turned to face the elevator each time it dinged, but it was now after 11:00 AM and still no Rick, no mail. Finally, she heard a ding, and some commotion, looking up, she saw a baggage cart, loaded with 5 large cartons of something, headed towards her.

"Detective Beckett?" one of the delivery persons asked?

"That's me she replied, what is this stuff anyway?" She asked, still confused why it would take so many men to bring the large containers to her floor.

"It's special delivery from Mr. Castle, he said to deliver to you, no one else, so where do you want these containers? The lead of the crew asked,

"Eh, I…. just put them in the large conference room, Ryan show them the way, and make sure they are stacked neat in the corner, we can't sequester that room for weeks, so we'll have to work through them quickly." She replied, the disappointment in her voice that Rick was not with his mail, was more than evident.

"Sure, thing Kate," Ryan replied as he busied showing the crew where to stack the cartons.

"What in the hell is that?" Espo ventured, he was still angry but his need to know everything that was going on was more powerful than his hurt feelings,

"Castle's Fan Mail," was the only reply Kate gave.

"You got to be shitting me, that much, I thought he was some hack true crime story writer" came out of his mouth before he realized what he had said,

"You don't become a multi-millionaire by writing hack true crime stories Espo, you should do some research before you form your opinions, definitely before you open your mouth and make a fool out of yourself," Kate said with a little more bite than she intended, still defensive of Rick, even after all these years she thought to herself.

Espo still reeling from the ass-chewing he had received earlier slinked back to his desk, leaving Kate with her thoughts.

She watched as the cartons were unloaded and stacked, then signed the delivery slip once Kevin had verified the count was correct. Her thoughts turned to Rick, would he ever talk to her again, God, she knew that he cared for her, but she was just realizing the depths of his love. She had always worried about being a rebound for Kyra, well that thought was long gone now, and perhaps her chance to do anything about it.

She decided to text him, she would try just about anything to keep in contact at this point.

_"Rick, the mail arrived, all of it, never had a clue it could be that much, will we see you at all to help? Any special instructions? Always, KB "_

She had included a word that meant so much more to them both at one time, would he remember, or would he even care, she was about to find out as her phone pinged with an incoming text.

"_No Special instructions, just be sure it all goes back the way it came, ALWAYS? WTH? in a meeting RC"_

Apparently, he remembered their word but wasn't happy to hear or read it from her again. He never committed or rejected the idea of coming in. Kate decided to start going through it with Ryan, Espo was checking the family members to see if the motive could be related to someone other than the victim.

Each took a smaller box which was packed inside the larger carton and began the task of reading the mail. Somehow it felt wrong to Kate, almost like she was snooping into his private life, but he had given permission so she donned the gloves and began.

"My God Kate, I heard about celebrities getting all kind of weird fan mail, but some of this is just, well, it's just wrong. What kind of mother is willing to leave her kids and meet him anywhere for a romp between the sheets? And she even included a pic leaving nothing to the imagination. What the hell happened to morals in this world?" Kevin blushed.

"Kev, you work homicide, and that letter upset you, and by the way, I've heard the real words before so don't clean up the language for my sake. I think it's very gentlemanly for you to do, but you're reading it, not writing, so let's stick with the script." Kate reassured her partner, slowly seething inside that some hussy would be sending pics to Rick, inviting him to the delight of his choice.

**NYPD 12****th**** Precinct  
****4:30 PM**

Kate and Kevin had been at it since the mail arrived, sending out for lunch, and careful not to get any food on any of the mail. One thing was evident, Castle fans were vocal, and in love with the man. Some of the offers that came in were downright vulgar, in language and the offers that were proposed.

More than once Kate took a quick coffee break to cool down after either reading or Kevin pointing out a letter. The ages were from 18 to one lady in Chicago that was 76. But according to her offer, she would be "the best fuck he would ever have, and her 35-year-old husband would film it if he wanted. That was about the sickest letter, but still nothing close to the perp or the motive of why he was copying books.

Frustrated, Kevin started to re-pack the one full carton carefully, so that no one would even know the mail had been touched, as Kate yelled out for Espo.

"What's the status of the family trees Espo?" Kate called out,

There was no answer, so Kate stood, stretched and walked out towards his desk to find it empty.

"LT, have you seen Espo?" she inquired,

"Yeah, he went down to the morgue about two hours ago, said he was following up on something," he replied,

"LT are you sure it was two hours ago? And he hasn't been back on this floor since?"

"Positive Kate, we had the neighborhood youth kids in for basketball practice and self-defense class. I waited for the bus to come at 2:15 for some of the kids to make sure they got on and were headed home, that's when I saw him coming down as I was going up the stairs. He didn't look happy so I kept my mouth shut."

"Thanks, LT, appreciate it." a very pissed off Kate Beckett replied.

She then dialed three numbers and waited, on the fifth ring, a heavily breathing Lanie answered the phone, "Dr. Parrish, how can I help you?"

"Lanie, it's Kate, you can help by stop fucking Espo on his shift, what you two do on your own time is your business, but I know he's been there for two hours, give him a message, for me, please"

"Kate, I, eh"

"Save it, Lanie, did you forget IT installed cameras throughout our entire precinct and your facility? I have him timestamped at entering your lab at 2:19 PM, in your lab following you to a closed-door private room at 2:26 so tell him to get his clothes on and his ass back to his desk, I'm waiting." She slammed the phone, pissed at both Lanie and especially Esposito, she and Kevin were working through lunch and this idiot goes gets his freak on with the ME.

A few minutes later a very contrite and meek Esposito appeared, hair a mess, and only part of his shirt tucked in to plead his case, "Kate really I wa..."

"Detective Esposito, conference room in 5 minutes." Then she hurried off to get Captain Montgomery. It was a brief exchange between the two, and as the door to the conference room opened, Esposito knew he was screwed when he saw not only Kate but the Captain and his union rep file into the room"

Captain Montgomery began, "Detective Esposito, your union rep is here to ensure you receive fair and impartial treatment, so I'll turn this over to your supervisor now."

Kate rattled off the section, and instances he was negligent in and then lying to a superior officer in charge, she had brought that against him with the videotape of his visit to Lanie. He hung his head knowing he was in for some punishment, but when Kate said,

"Detective Esposito, this is the 5th and final warning, you are suspended for 60 days without pay, and when you return you will work gratis for the 28.4 hours you have cheated this city out of when you billed for work as you carried out personal matters. When you return you will be on probation, reporting to Detective Ryan on a WIP, (Work Improvement Plan) for an additional 60 days. If you fail to comply with any of these conditions the NYPD is prepared to accept your resignation today or when your non-compliance occurs, any questions?" She said coldly, Javi had never seen this side of Beckett, but he shook his head no

"Captain Montgomery will take your shield and gun, you can drop your car at the motor pool on your way out, and don't forget your hospitalization is also suspended during this time."

She got up, walked out of the office and Montgomery looked at Esposito,

"You're lucky, I wanted to fire you, she fought to keep you so if you think she's a bitch, you better re-think that right now. I can still override her and bounce your ass to the curb with the stupid things you have done right now, so let's go."

A few minutes later Rick was walking up the stairs as a very pissed off Esposito was walking down, knowing that this wasn't the place or time, he allowed the detective to pass him on the stairs without resistance, the next time would be different he thought silently.

He was standing by Kate's desk for a few minutes when she finally looked up,

"Rick, I didn't think you would come, this late"

"I told you I was in meetings, I never told you I wasn't coming, I saw your friend on the way up, and I stood aside for the last time, just so you know," Rick said in a firm tone

"Yeah, well he's suspended for 60 days, he was supposed to be working the relative angle of each of the victims, but he decided to pursue his own pleasure while Kev and I worked, asshole forgot we just installed cameras throughout and he was busted on tape, yet he lied."

"So, I'm guessing he didn't get any family links then?" Rick offered

"No, not sure what he got but he wasn't looking for what we asked" Kate looked down

"Did you know that your second victim had a brother, and their father is worth millions? Did you look into the brother, 20 million is a lot of money, but 40 million is better, just saying that could be your connection" Rick asked,

"How did you find that out, and when did you have time to research it, Rick?" Kate is still amazed at the talent of this man,

"Just look into it, I have another dinner meeting, so I have to get home and change." He said as he was turning for the exit.

"Is it with Gina again Rick?"

"Excuse me," he said as he turned to face her, "What did you just ask?"

"I asked if you were meeting with Gina again tonight Rick, is there ever going to be time for me to talk to you, just one on one to explain what happened." She said shyly

"You were the one that said the case comes first, Solve the case detective, then we'll see, and yes I'm meeting with my publisher which happens to be my ex-wife" he threw over his shoulder as he walked away,

Kate watched him as he walked away, again, and hung her head knowing he had only done what she had asked him to, why did he have to listen so well to that stupid request.

Kate realizes that she's unable to focus on any more letters she sent Ryan home just after Rick walked away. Just as she entered the elevator her phone rang looking at the screen it was Lanie, but tonight she only wanted to go home she didn't want to discuss Javi's situation.


	7. Chapter 7

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 7**

**PREVIOUSLY**

"_Did you know that your second victim had a brother, and their father is worth millions? Did you look into the brother, 20 million is a lot of money, but 40 million is better, just saying that could be your connection" Rick asked,_

"_How did you find that out, and when did you have time to research it, Rick?" Kate is still amazed at the talent of this man,_

"_Just look into it, I have another dinner meeting, so I have to get home and change." He said as he was turning for the exit._

*************************************************************************************/

**Beckett's Apartment  
****8:19 PM  
****Wednesday, November 5****th**

Kate walked through the door, balancing her mail, and take out dinner she had picked up in one hand as she opened the door, glad the end had finally come to all the miserable events that occurred today. She hated suspending Javi, but if she didn't do something Captain Montgomery would have fired him, and it would reflect negatively on both him and herself.

Then Rick, damn it, why did she have to still be so deeply in love with him, she didn't mean to let that emotion out, ever, but she was sure that he picked up on it when she asked about his night with Gina. Damn it, leave his personal life to him, that's what you asked, no demanded he do, so let him alone, she chastised herself.

She put her piece away, along with her badge and returned to heat and eat her dinner, tonight she needed and deserved a glass of wine, she poured a healthy amount from the "good" stuff she splurged on from time to time. As she ate, she flipped through her mail, mostly junk, who else did she know well enough to correspond with, and with emails, who wrote letters anymore.

She had separated the few bills that weren't handled by direct withdrawal from her checking account, to review and pay this weekend. Then she saw it and froze, it was an envelope addressed to her with handwriting she would recognize even if she were legally blind.

On the outside of a plain manila envelope, he had addressed it by hand, with his flair and stylish handwriting. The return address only listed the street and city, no name, it didn't matter she knew who sent it as soon as her eyes spotted it, as her heart leaped into her throat.

Finishing the remaining wine in her glass, then ensuring the area was clean from crumbs or grease she finally opened the envelope. Inside were two more letters that looked old, with a single sheet of paper wrapped around them, nothing more. She took the rubber band off the letters, and began to read the single sheet of paper,

"_Dear Kate,_

_These are yours, I tried to send them after the first letter, I assume you received it since it wasn't returned. To be honest I don't remember what I said in either, only that I was willing to sell my soul to the devil to keep you with me. _

_When I received the first letter back marked, Moved, No Forwarding Address, I tried to call you, even though I promised not to, only to receive the recording that you had changed your number to an unlisted number. I never thought you would go that far to erase me from your life, it was almost like you wanted to forget what we had, or me, I never could figure out which._

_You know me, stubborn, and a slow learner so I went ahead and mailed the third letter, thinking that you could never disappear from me, not if you had a choice. The heartbreak was magnified, when I finally got it, you cut me from your life, not only the immediate future but completely._

_I searched and searched for why, I knew of the tragedy of your mother, but Kate, some of us never even knew one of our parents. I could never have dismissed you from my life, no matter what happened, you were my source of strength if you haven't figured that out yet. I am ashamed to admit this, but I actually spent my last three thousand dollars for a private investigator, only to learn your records were sealed and it would take a lot more money **IF** I even had a chance of getting any information._

_Full disclosure Detective, although you could find out if you had enough interest, I bought that private investigation practice 4 years later, and followed your career from afar, from Patrol Officer to Detective, then I stopped when you and the Fed moved in with each other. I know you wouldn't have done that unless you found someone you loved much more than me. After that, I stopped any inquires and as I told you when I first met you again, I was **ALMOST** over you when you came barging back into my life._

_I'm writing this Kate because I wanted you to remember the facts of what happened, I tried to find you, you knew where I was all the time. I wrote you three letters, two of which were returned to sender, I tried to call you, you had changed your number._

_Some years later I finally had enough money to track you down, only to find you and an FBI Agent were living together less than twenty minutes from my loft. Remember, you knew where I was, I had no clue what happened to you till I had the PI bribe officials to get a peek at your files._

_The first thing you said to me when you saw me, was;_

"_**You are here for the investigation of not one but two murders, and Rick, please, help me solve the case and I promise I will tell you everything that has happened since that night, please?"**_

_Somethings never change I guess, always the work first, then time to talk as if 16 years isn't long enough to wait to hear from you face to face, you didn't love me and didn't want to hurt me so you ran. I have tried to put things into your perspective but I threw out all my theories when you found your, what did you call it, your one and done. The facts were the same, you were still chasing justice for your mom, BUT you found room in your heart for someone else._

_I really don't know what you want to talk about, but once the case is closed, I will afford you what you did not for me, the courtesy of a face to face goodbye._

_Forgive me if I came off as rude, I tried hard not too, but I'm human and I hurt like anyone. I don't think anyone could come close to hurting me as much as you did. That's something I have to continue to fight to forgive you for each day because I have a daughter, I won't show that side of a man to her. _

_Close the case detective, if you look at the brother it shouldn't take you long to complete your investigation, and just an FYI, Mr. Tisdale is dying of cancer, leaving his son as his only heir._

_Good Luck Detective,_

_RC_

Kate's hands are trembling now, as she had already dropped the two un-opened aged envelopes with US Postal Stamped: Return to Sender, Moved No Forwarding Address in the sickly red ink, faded over time, but still a reminder of her cowardly act. Did she really do it to spare Rick at the time, or was it because, he would prevent her from doing the crazy shit that almost got her fired, and earned her the first trip to the department shrink.

If she were totally honest now, looking back she wanted nothing and no one to stand in her way as she seeks vengeance for her mother. Rick was always her voice of reason, and she was sure that he would be able to talk her out of it, or at least take a more sensible approach.

Kate was a wreck, the food forgotten, the only thing she thought to do was run some of the energy out of her system. She changed, grabbed her gun and phone along with her keys and took off. She once again headed towards the direction of Rick's loft. She had stopped short of his actual block the last run. This time she continued to run, trying to get the burn in her lungs, legs, and calves to tell her to stop, but on she ran.

She looked up, God Damn it, there it was, she had reached Rick's block, which was actually his building, she ducked into the Java Hut to avoid being seen as a town car stretch limo was idling waiting on its participants. It didn't take long, Gina appeared first, looking beautiful as ever, followed by Rick dressed in his tux, always the gentleman, holding the door as he assisted her into the car. Kate was doing OK until Gina turned her head and kissed him in public, he either enjoyed it or played along as the cameras snapped away.

Obviously, they were headed to some formal engagement, she thought she remembered something about a benefit to help fund the new children's wing for the hospital. Rick had always been very giving, especially anything to do with children. She tried to control her anger for Gina, telling herself that she gave up claim to Rick long ago, and hell they had been married, there had to be some love still there.

She finished the coffee, then resumed her run headed home. Either it began to rain or her tears continued to make her running clothes wet. She was just about cried out as she reached her apartment, taking a moment to cool down, walking around the block, really getting her emotions back in check, she finally headed back upstairs.

She took a hot shower and now that she had burnt some energy, she should feel better, she probably would have but that damn kiss still made her upset. As hard as she tried, she couldn't lose that picture in her mind.

How the hell could a man she kissed once, well he kissed her first, have so much impact on her over a decade later? She knew the answer before the thought even got out of her mind, she loved him, she would always love him and now he had the totally incorrect picture of why she broke it off. This was far worse than any of the worst-case scenarios she had come up with.

Wrapped in her almost threadbare Stanford sweatshirt she had stolen from him years ago, she pulled her hair back and threw on some sleep tights, made her way back to the kitchen area. Rick's letter lay there, with the two envelopes still unsealed below it, almost daring her to open them. She glanced at the dates and decided, now was the time to at least see where Rick was coming from.

No matter what, this situation was a mess, nothing that she had hoped it to be, but now she had to work with what she had. Her first goal was to correct Rick's belief that Sorensen was ever her one and done, hell she was so lonely when he came around it was either him or a cat, and she was allergic to cat hair.

She retrieved the wine glass and poured another generous glass of the good stuff, something told her she would need this and more. She examined his handwriting on the envelope, even then his penmanship was remarkable even back then, so neat, every letter the same height, and it appeared as if a machine had lettered it. The address was to her parents' home, it had been sold by the time Rick had mailed this, but there was no way for him to know.

She took a sip of the wine, and then carefully opened the letter that was written over 16 years ago. Tears filled her eyes, once again he pleaded that he could help and would never try to stop her from seeking justice for her Mom.

One paragraph hit her in the heart like a bullet piercing a cardboard target.

"_Kate I've tried to pour my heart out, to convince you that I love you and that I would do anything to make you happy. I heard a song on the radio as I was writing this, and now that I downloaded it, I can see the words say things so much better than I ever could._

_**One More Day**_

_**Diamond Rio**_

_**Last night I had a crazy dream  
A wish was granted just for me  
It could be for anything  
I didn't ask for money  
Or a mansion in Malibu  
I simply wished for one more day with you!**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you  
One more day**_

_**First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl  
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off  
I'd hold you every second  
Say a million I love you's  
That's what I'd do with one more day with you**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day  
Leave me wishing still for one more day  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you.**_

_So, if you get this, find the song, and know this is my wish, the only wish I have in this world, Babe, please give me One More Day with You,_

_Always,_

_Rick_

Kate turned to the pillow and cried harder than she had since the day her Mom was murdered. It was apparent that there were two deaths at that time, her mother, and Rick's soul. His hurt, his anguish, God she had no idea, but now what could she do.


	8. Chapter 8

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 8**

**PREVIOUSLY**

_I really don't know what you want to talk about, but once the case is closed, I will afford you what you did not for me, the courtesy of a face to face goodbye._

_Forgive me if I came off as rude, I tried hard not to, but I'm human and I hurt like anyone. I don't think anyone could come close to hurting me as much as you did. That's something I have to continue to fight to forgive you for each day because I have a daughter, I won't show that side of a man to her. _

_Close the case, if you look at the brother it shouldn't take you long to complete your investigation, and just an FYI, Mr. Tisdale is dying of cancer, leaving his son as his only heir._

***************************************************************************************/**

**Beckett's Apartment  
****4:28 AM  
****Thursday, November 6****th**

Kate woke up still crying hugging a pillow that was wet from her tears during the fitful periods of sleep and twilight that she had endured. She had been heartbroken just once before Rick came into her life when Maddie took Brad away from her during her freshmen year of college. She remembered the pain was actually so bad, it became physical.

She thought on one occasion she was having a heart attack, but after an embarrassing trip to the ER, and a kind young doctor barely older than herself lecturing her about how to recover from lost loves, she resolved to never feel that way ever again.

It was a promise she kept; till the night her mother was killed. She resolved once again to never let herself hurt that much and deeply, last night when she realized just how deeply Rick must have hurt, all caused by her, she felt that same pain once again. The only difference was this time he had over 16 years to let the hurt, caused not by an act of violence, but by the woman he worshiped, capture his very soul.

She thought about his marriage to Meredith from what she knew of the relationship, it appeared to be the act of an honorable man doing the right thing, and accepting his responsibility once she became pregnant. What went wrong, only Rick could tell the entire story, but it was more than unusual for custody to be granted to a single Dad, especially over two different states.

To his credit, Rick had never disparaged her name in public, she was the mother of his child, and he was a gentleman. What went wrong with Gina, when there was clearly so much love from her towards him, was puzzling. He appeared to care very much for her, Alexis had certainly taken her as her Mom. No matter how much she despised the thought, perhaps Gina was the best mate for him, especially now that she realized that his heart hadn't been just broken, it had been shattered into pieces, and she was responsible.

She was at a loss as to what to do, this was something she couldn't or wouldn't share with anyone until she had spoken to Rick. She had to convince him to sit with her and talk, really communicate, both the hurtful as well as those times he made her feel like a queen. It was ironic that he had chosen a letter to convey his feelings, perhaps that was the way to return hers.

She had to communicate with him somehow and soon. The last thing she wanted was Rick to think that the letter, with her letters, returned to him so long ago, hadn't meant anything to her. He would assume she took it as it all had been a joke; he was just filling a spot till her one and done came along.

Nothing could be further from the truth if he only knew, the moments she had wanted to reach out and call him, regardless if he was with someone else or not. She knew his morals, and would never put him in a position where it ever could be a problem for him, she loved him enough to let him go, if he were happy, regardless of him being her always. She had never let go of that, somehow, she couldn't, and now she was glad, well if she could ever get Rick to give her another day as he had asked so sweetly in his letter.

It was useless to stay in bed, so she grabbed her running gear and after a quick change and retrieving her essentials she was once again headed towards what Rick simply referred to as his Loft, a huge building that covered the entire city block with his apartment consuming the entire top floor.

As she ran, she thought of what she needed to say, Rick never liked to hear I'm sorry. She remembered perhaps the only disagreement they ever had, she had pitched a jealous fit, then she tried to apologize he stopped her with a line she never forgot, "People only say I'm sorry because they got caught, or it hurt someone, what means more to me, is when I hear, please forgive me,"

She thought about the few times since then she had said I'm sorry, and he was right, she had just said it, to avoid an argument with Will mostly, it was best just to shut him up, by letting him think he was right.

She had run through the empty streets of New York and was surprised when she spotted his loft coming up so quickly to her left. She almost fainted with what she saw, ducking into the Java Hut once again, she took a window seat, after getting her morning latte.

She turned her eyes across the street where Gina was just leaving Rick's loft, still in her evening gown from the night before. Looking closer Rick was still in his tux and giving the driver instructions, it appeared Gina was just a bit under the influence. She grabbed for Rick's face and laid a long deep kiss on him, he gently picked her up and finally set her in the back seat, buckled her seatbelt and closed the door, tapping twice on the roof, then the limo pulled away. He stood for a moment, almost like he was looking for someone, as his eyes gazed at the coffee shop, she had ducked behind a menu. He stood for a moment, then turned and returned to his building.

Her heart fell, she was too late. The papers had finally gotten it right, he was rekindling his relationship with his ex-wife. She finished her drink then took off at a sprint to get away from what she had seen. When she had reached her apartment, she had almost come to terms with the fact, she had lost the only man she would ever love because of her stubbornness and stupidity.

After a quick shower, she grabbed her writing kit and put on a pot of strong coffee. She decided to answer his letter with a letter, and let the hopes of talking face to face fade away until or if he wanted to speak about the past.

She started as she always did on a legal pad, transferring the final version once she completed her composition.

"_Dear Rick,_

_I received your letter, including the two that you included from a time I wish I could go back to. There are so many things I would do differently before you even think it, I would never change our time together. It was the only time in my entire life, I felt so loved, protected, and cherished, thank you for that Rick, I never forgot that feeling._

_First, I will ask you to forgive me for moving from my home so quickly and not keeping in touch with you. I'm not saying I'm sorry, but asking Rick, please forgive me. This letter will tell you many things you may have never heard before but know one thing, everything I write is the absolute truth._

_Looking back now, 16 years of my life have been wasted, all because I was stubborn and hell-bent on finding those responsible for the death of my mother. I say it was wasted because, if I had listened to you, we would still be together and much closer to finding the guilty parties because I am and always was better with you than I ever was or could be without you. _

_I know I said to you that I didn't want to ruin your life that was only half true. I knew that you were the only voice that could keep me grounded, and that would slow down, or at least I thought at that time, the investigation. You always made me more mature than I ever really was Rick. I never told you that, I never told you a lot of things that I'm so sorry for not saying._

_I __**NEVER**__ wanted or tried to erase you, the time we spent together, or my memories. God knows some nights the memories of you were all that got me through another lonely night. _

_You made a very valid point, and I felt terrible that you never knew your father, many people never knew either but I dismissed it. This just proved you were the voice of reason, the one that could keep me from grabbing the scissors and go running like a crazy lady, which by the way I did and paid a deep price for, more on that later._

_I knew if I spoke to you, I would crumble, you never knew the power you had, hell still have on me, Rick. I would do anything you asked me to do, so I couldn't let you ask me to let this go, let the authorities take care of it, I just couldn't. I __**NEVER**__ dismissed you from my life, I couldn't then nor can I now. I know how unfair that was to you now, again no I'm sorry, but please forgive me. If I had the crystal ball then to see the pain, I have caused you I would rather have died than put you through what I did. _

_I haven't said it yet, but I love you, I've loved you since I first saw you even though you were with Kyra. When you first sat with me at the library that day, I thought I was going to die. We grew to be best friends, if I am keeping it truthful, my love for you grew every day we spent together. _

_I should have known you would spare no expense when it came to me, and I'm so very sorry for you spending the money, only to get your hopes dashed by the private investigator. I couldn't believe that you kept track of me, from patrolman to detective, but you __**got one item very wrong.**_

_Will Sorensen and I lived together, it's true, but that was after I read, and cried my eyes out when you married Meredith, became a father to Alexis, and then married Gina. Rick, I was so lonely it was more of companionship than anything else, especially with his travel and my work schedule. He or no one else has come close to being my one and done, except you, but I killed any hopes of that._

_You were always the only one who could call me on my bullshit, I asked to wait till the end of the case to allow me time to think how I could explain what happened to you in such a way that you wouldn't hate me, well any more than you already do now. You were right Rick, as always, I wish to God I would have just went somewhere with you where we could talk, without the interruptions that always happen at my work._

_Your letter was far from rude, it was more than kind. I never stopped to think that we were in a relationship, it wasn't defined, but it never had to be, it was always just Rick and Kate and that was good enough for me. I mention this because in a relationship, when you love someone as much as you loved me, and I still love you, you put the other one first, I failed at that Rick, and I am truly sorry and will ask you to forgive me. _

_I should have done what we always did when one of us had a problem, we went to our spot and talked it through, God I missed those days so much. I know you were being a gentleman, but I wanted to just crawl inside you, and never come out, you made me feel so happy, safe and warm, and now I can be brave enough to tell you I wanted you in __**every way.**_

_I cried when I read the part where you struggle to forgive me each day because you don't want to show that side of how a man and woman love each other to Alexis. That was my very lowest point, I thought until later when I garnered the courage to open the letter you mailed to me so many years ago. _

_You said you don't remember what you wrote, and I don't doubt it, but when I read it, I was right back with you at Stanford, looking into your eyes, laughing, and doing all the things we used to do. It was a harsh reminder of what I threw away, and your closing line hurt me more than at any time since my mom was taken. I know you will remember it, and hopefully how much you loved me when you read the words you sent._

_Rick, I'm dropping this off at your building, then going to the precinct, if you want to talk, and I'm praying you will, please call or come to see me. I know how much I hurt you, and I know you hate me, you have every right to do so. Know this Richard Rogers, Richard Castle, or any other name you have, I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you Always. The question is will you give me __**one more day**__? I'll make it up to you if you give me the chance, I promise. Just One More Day?_

_I Love You, Rick._

_Always,_

_Kate_

_P.S. Here are the words to the song you ended your second letter, the first that was returned to you with the postal notification of non-deliverable._

"_Kate I've tried to pour my heart out, to convince you that I love you and that I would do anything to make you happy. I heard a song on the radio as I was writing this, and now that I downloaded it, I can see the words say things so much better than I ever could._

_**One More Day**_

_**Diamond Rio**_

_**Last night I had a crazy dream  
A wish was granted just for me  
It could be for anything  
I didn't ask for money  
Or a mansion in Malibu  
I simply wished for one more day with you!**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you  
One more day**_

_**First thing I'd do is pray for time to crawl  
I'd unplug the telephone and keep the TV off  
I'd hold you every second  
Say a million I love you's  
That's what I'd do with one more day with you**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you**_

_**One more day, one more time  
One more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied  
But then again, I know what it would do  
Leave me wishing still for one more day  
Leave me wishing still for one more day  
Leave me wishing still for one more day with you.**_

_So, if you get this, find the song, and know this is my wish, the only wish I have in this world, babe, please give me One More Day with You,_

_Always,_

_Rick_

_Releasing a breath she didn't realize she was holding she read her letter twice again before writing it on her personal stationery and putting it in the envelope. Wondering if he will answer and give her One More Day._


	9. Chapter 9

**Starting Over**

**by CTTficfan **

**Chp 9**

**PREVIOUSLY**

_Rick, I'm dropping this off at your building, then going to the precinct, if you want to talk, and I'm praying you will, please call or come to see me. I know how much I hurt you, and I know you hate me, you have every right to do so. Know this Richard Rogers, Richard Castle, or any other name you have, I loved you then, I love you now, and I'll love you Always. The question is will you give me __**one more day**__?_

********************************************************************************/

**Castle's Loft  
****9:21 AM  
****Thursday, November 6****th**

Kate had kept her word, at 7:20 AM she had handed Eduardo an envelope he was to hand-deliver to Mr. Castle when he awoke. Eduardo, ever protective of Rick and his family left a message light on his intercom on so he wouldn't disturb anyone in the loft, he had heard it had been a late evening for Miss Gina the night before, and well frankly he wanted to avoid that nightmare if he could.

Alexis was out for a week retreat with Paige and Martha, where, oh yeah, Martha was in France with Chet so the Loft was finally his alone. Rick woke, his nose was filled with the scent of Gina's perfume, and he immediately reached over, only to find an empty spot on the bed.

Then it started coming back to him, they were at the benefit for the children's new wing at the hospital, one very generous and wealthy donor was willing to part with a sizeable donation for a series of Derrick Storm novels. Gina who already had enough to drink, suggested they go back to the loft where she knew there was a complete set that Rick could sign to him personally over a drink.

One drink turned into several, at least for the ladies but the contribution was secured, and anytime someone can write a check for a sum with six zeros behind the number, well it was more than a good night. The donor, who insisted he remain anonymous, finally convinced his wife to leave around 3:45 AM, and as Rick saw them off, Gina collapsed on his bed, sound asleep.

Rick had been through this before when she was Mrs. Castle and there was no way he wanted to be around hung-over Gina. He called his car service, gave instructions to Tony to ensure Gina was inside her townhome, and into her bedroom then run like hell. He managed to get her up and down to the front of the building to a waiting limo. He didn't know he had a very interested observer when Gina pulled him in for a kiss like they were still married, but that would be brought to his attention a little later.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he remembered, he was still fully clothed and so was Gina when he finally picked her up and placed her in the limo. He stumbled from the bedroom, started a pot of coffee, and noticed the message light blinking on the intercom phone. Probably mother asking him to wire her money he thought to himself, as he went to the intercom.

"Hi Eduardo, this is Rick Castle my message light was on,"

"Good Morning Mr. Castle, sir, detective Beckett stopped by this morning and dropped off an envelope she asked I hand deliver to you, may I deliver it now sir?"

"Sure. Thanks, Eduardo I appreciate you not disturbing me early, it was a late-night"

"Of course sir. I will be right there"

Rick is at the door with his coffee in his hand when Eduardo arrives and delivered the letter,

"Thanks again Eduardo, it's greatly appreciated," Rick said, his mind already churning why would Kate drop off an envelope to his apartment?

"You're welcome sir, have a great day." And he turned and left

Rick walked over to the medicine cabinet, retrieved 4 aspirins and with a swallow coffee, took the pills to relieve his aching head. He knew he had to rehydrate to get the maximum relief from the pills so he downed a bottle of water, then turned back to his coffee.

He picked the envelope up, felt it, then looked at the front. In her neat handwriting was simply his name, _**Rick Castle, Hand Deliver Please**_. He had missed her, he always loved her handwriting, it was so precise, he tried to pattern his own after hers, but he never told her. One of many things he would give the same amount the donor had given just to go back in time to their time to tell her that and so much more.

He decided to wait till after his shower, and his head stopped feeling like it was being used as a drum machine in a pickup rock band to open the envelope. One more cup of coffee, another bottle of water and then he hit the showers, where he began to feel alive again.

Rick enjoyed the hot water, and he finally felt like facing his day, whatever that would be today. He still hadn't decided what to do with Kate and her request to come to the precinct to assist on the case. At least her self-appointed guardian would be gone for the next 60 days, it had been all he could do to hold back the last time they met.

Dressed now, and his headache down to a mild roar, he retrieved his coffee and the letter and went to his office to read whatever she had written. His heart was in his throat as he began to open it, old feelings were hard to keep hidden when they were so deep, he had loved her, Hell he still loved her more than anyone in the world, except for his daughter and mother, those were different loves.

He smiled as he pulled the letter from the envelope, she had used the stationary he bought her the second week they were friends, she complained about not ever being able to have a cat or dog because of allergies.

He bought her the box with little dogs and kittens on it, she laughed then kissed his cheek, their first sign of affection now as he thought back to that tender moment. Who the hell keeps stationary for 16 years? It might be meaningful for her too, the only way to find out was to read the letter.

He spread the 13 pages out to smooth the neat folds from each, then collated them and took a sip of his coffee, a deep breath and he was ready.

As he began to read his heart begin to soften, she had set the tone in her first paragraph**,**_** It was the only time in my entire life, I felt so loved, protected, and cherished**_**,** It was the only time in his life he truly felt loved and needed now that he travels back in his memory.

His heart went to his throat when he read, _**I was always better with you than I ever was or could be without you. **_It touched him, and this was not Kate, she was bearing her soul, telling him things she never would have in the old days.

When his eyes focused on the paragraph, _I __**NEVER**__ wanted or tried to erase you, the time we spent together, or my memories. God knows some nights the memories of you were all that got me through another lonely night. _

_You made a very valid point, and I felt terrible that you never knew your father, many people never knew either but I dismissed it. This just proved you were the voice of reason, the one that could keep me from grabbing the scissors and go running like a crazy lady, which by the way I did and paid a deep price for, more on that later._

He had to take a break and clear his eyes, damn allergies. She had taken him by surprise, he had never heard or seen her so mature and open as she was now. She accepted blame where it was due, never once trying to deflect it, and it hadn't escaped him, her use of Please forgive me, rather than I'm sorry, she really did love him to remember their one and only spat, and his quote.

He understood, or was beginning to understand her position, her confession that she would have crumbled if he asked her to give up the quest, touched him deeply. He always thought she would do anything for him, now she would confirm it, she even put it in the present tense as well as recalling the memory.

He was truly on the ropes and ready to drop when he read;

_I haven't said it yet, but I love you, I've loved you since I first saw you even though you were with Kyra. When you first sat with me at the library that day, I thought I was going to die. We grew to be best friends, if I am keeping it truthful, my love for you grew every day we spent together. _

Once again, she was talking in the present tense, "she loves me? After all this time, I thought she had found her one and done?" Rick asked to no one in the room, still amazed at the openness and honesty of Kate, it was almost like she had stepped into a time machine and had been transported back to college days.

He had done a good job of holding it together, but when she went on to explain why she and Will Sorensen were roommates, he was floored, but when he wiped a tear away he completed reading the paragraph, _**He or no one else has come close to being my one and done, except you,… **_He couldn't hold it in any longer, he wept openly and for a lot longer than he had cried in as long as he could remember, grateful the loft was empty except for him.

He finally composed himself, and continued to read, _**when you love someone as much as you loved me, and I still love you, you put the other one first **_that was it, he knew she understood and more than that realized the pain he had felt. Just like she wrote, he wanted to put her first again, if there were any doubts, he loved her, would always love her they were long gone.

He had already decided he wanted another chance with her, that the love was far more powerful than the hurt. He finished the letter, and read the lyrics to the song, _**One More Day**_ and again the old feeling surrounded him. Finding the app on his phone he hit an icon and once again Diamond Rio was playing a solo concert just for him.

This time was so much different than when he downloaded it, full of doubt and despair, now he was full of hope and optimistically thrilled. He had to see her, he had to look into her eyes to know if these were truly her words.

He picked up his cell phone, then thought better. He dialed her desk phone from the phone on his desk. If she were in the field, he didn't want to upset her, the job was dangerous enough. On the third ring, he heard her soft voice,

"12th Precinct Homicide, Detective Beckett speaking,"

"Kate, it's Rick, can you talk now or is it a bad time?"

"Eh, I NO, I mean Yes I can talk Rick, thanks for calling"

"I got your letter; did you mean it?" he said barely audible

"Every word I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself for hurting you so much, I love you, Rick, I never stopped" the tears were in Kate's voice and it flashed back to times over a decade ago.

"Are you tied up with paperwork or could you steal away to the coffee shop for a few minutes, I just have to see you, God Kate, I love you too" and there it was, as Kate's tears pooled, she kept them intact.

"How Long babe? Tell me when?" She hadn't used that love pet name for over 16 years but it felt so right,

"Can I text you when I'm there and have a table?"

"That would be great, the sooner the better," she said, as she felt like the weight of the world was taken off her shoulders.

"Great, …. and Kate, I love it when you call me babe, I missed you so much. We have a lot to talk about but know this, I love you more than anything in the world. Please promise me, no more running, please,"

"Rick, I promise, my running days are over unless I'm running towards you, and babe, I love you too."

"I'm on my way, I'll text you when I get there, I love you"

"I love you too Babe, be safe and I'll see you soon.

**Twenty Minutes Later**

Kate's phone buzzed with a text, she opened it to see red hearts fill the screen spelling out, _**I'm here**_. That man, how long did he work on that.

She typed out, _**on my way, love you babe**_ and filled the line with heart emoji's.

She stepped into the coffee shop and there he was, that smile, it was her smile and it was back. She didn't give a damn about PDA or regulations or anything else, she sprinted to meet him and locked him in a kiss that said part of what was in her heart.

After they had both exhausted air supplies and were forced to break, she pulled back but not far, _"I missed you Rick, God how I missed you."_

"I missed you too, Kate my life went from on top of the world to wanting to die, almost overnight. How long do you have, I know we have a lot to talk about, and there's going to be questions from both of us, so we need to make good use of this time" his shyness she loved in school was still there, trying to be assertive yet doing everything in his power not to hurt her.

She flashed him that huge smile, "I took the rest of today and tomorrow off, I was hoping"

His lips were on hers in another kiss, "Let's get out of here babe, the loft is empty the rest of the week, we can go there and have the privacy we need, OK?"

He threw a fifty-dollar bill on the table even though he hadn't ordered anything and they were out of the coffee shop and walking arm in arm to the loft.

As they were walking Rick picked up that Kate was hesitant to ask something, so he came right out,

"Babe, this is only going to work if we are both 100% honest with each other, both in questions and answers" she blushed,

"You still know me so well don't you, it's really nothing I mean, we weren't on the best of terms, and it's rea"

"Kate ask the question please, something is tying you in knots, we can't have that. I promise you I will give you a truthful, honest answer, even if it hurts. But before you ask you and me, me and you, this new unity, it starts now, no other people but us, Agreed?"

She took the initiative, and kissed him till his toes curled, "Agreed" she breathed

"Rick, I wrote that letter early, very early this morning. When I received your letter, that included the two letters returned to you, I had to get out of my apartment so I went for a run. Usually, I run away from your loft, but this morning around 4:40 AM I ran by your loft and I saw..."

"You saw Gina kiss me as I put her into a limo, dressed in the same clothes as she had on the night before, yeah Kate, I picked you out at the coffee shop so I knew what you were thinking. Nothing happened" he explained the benefit, the books, and Gina drinking too much and him getting her into the car service to take her home."

"I love you, Richard Castle, how do you know me so well, I have so little to give to you, and you give me the world, especially when you know how insecure I am in relationships since, well" she started laughing

"Oh, now you remember Brad Decker, and how I flattened him because he hurt you, please know this Kate, I will never hurt you knowingly, and if I do, PLEASE promise to tell me, I only want you to be happy."

"I am happy, let me show you how happy you have made me when we get home"

It wasn't lost on Rick that Kate had used the word Home.

When they first got to the loft, Kate wasted no time, she was sincere when she told him she wanted him in every way. They made love talked a while and repeated the process until both were exhausted and lay in each other's arms asleep.

Kate had turned her phone off and didn't get the text from Kevin their case was closed, Rick had located the passport broker, and when he was arrested rolled on Tisdale's son the minute, he was approached with conspiracy to commit murder, and eventually, Tisdale caved and confessed.

They had a long way to go, but considering how far they had come, it was wonderful just to know they were Starting Over, this time they would make it work and be together, Always.

**A/N As the title indicated this was the Start, if we have sequels will depend on you the readers, let us know we can easily expand this into at least three more stories if not more, Thanks for the read, reviews, and follows, they are the gold all writers seek, **


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